It's My Life, A Commentary
by Luna M. Moon
Summary: There are worst things then Neurotoxin and Turrets. This Fic is that. It destroys families, lives, and brain cells. It is ITS MY LIFE. And I'm commentating on it. Why? Because it sucks. Oh, and I don't own Portal. And thank God I don't own this. I didn't make it. So, what are you waiting for. Read this. Also, I forgot to say. I didn't make to cover art. It's by "ASBusinessMagnet".
1. The Horror Begins

**Hello humans. My name is Luna. Let's see. I was bored. So, I decided to read this piece of crap. This story. Wow. Warning, this may coat you brain cells. Oh well.**

AN: Hi guyz this is my first story (**If only it where your last. Spoiler Alert: It's not) **its what I think happens iin Portla 3! (**I've never played Portla. I have played Portal however and well….no)**

Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts **(Shudder, sorry, My Immortal flashback)** and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped. Glados had captured me in the science lab places (**Aperture. It's called Aperture)** and made me do bad tests **(No comment)** There was no thing fun bout thetests an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing (**Yeah, wasn't that what the Adrenalin Vapor was for)**

"FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!" Glados screemed to me. Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. **(There was a lot of looking happening). **The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing. **(P-Body is more of a oval)** "THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS **(ATLAS)** AN P-BOY (**P-BODY)** NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD. **(Robots have no emotion).**"

Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry. Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo (**So, she was human before she became a goth emo. So like, she was a human, then she turned into a goth emo?)** and was always gettin on my nerves.

"Hi b**** we are here to test you." Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT'S A MOVIE!) (**No. I don't get it.)** I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Altas. P-Bod was just starin' at my bobs (**So, you just have like Bob the Builder with you? Or was it Bob the tomato? Either way they must have been impressive for a robot to stare.) **so I kicked him his robot place. (**Which one?) **That made him angry so he shot a portal at me (**Isn't P-Body like a female. Oh wait, that was P-Body this is P-Boy. My mistake)** and made me fall into it over and over and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me.

Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them. **(Robots don't have lungs. They can't smoke. For that matter they don't have a brain other than a CPU for the drugs to effect)** I was fedup with all of portal labs **(The person who wrote this was obviously drunk. So I can be drunk too. Take a drink whenever she says Portal Labs and not Aperture **

**Wait doesn't Aperture have more than Portal Tests. **

**Wait, she could be specifically referring to the Portal Lab section. That, actually makes sense in this context doesn't make sense most other times though) **and jumped from teh portals. I ladled onto my lung fall boots **(boots that make your lungs fall. I remember those from the game) **and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy.

I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (AN not even gonna say that word LOL) (**Then why mention it or bleep it. It just sounds ridiculous I mean, I don't really curse that much so there isn't any in my commentary. I don't bother bleeping. Just think of a different word or just say it) **so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant.

Altas angered **(This story angered me too) ** at me an P-Boy said "You broked are drugs **(How does one break drugs. I mean, where they doing pot and using a bong). **now you will pay (**For what? The drugs.**!**)** Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz.

Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs **(I thought she broke them) **and drank beer an past out. All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests (**She was having a inanimate object do tests)** an we didn't see eachother in moths.

But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot (**Didn't he try to kill you?)** I ever met an he had a super sexay British aksent, **(It wasn't sexy. It was more friendly)** but Glados body turned him evil **(I actually do find credibility in that theory)** an he got shot in space by Chell. I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. Noone knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby. **(Ok first of all, Wheatley is a metal sphere. He has no ****genitalia****. Second of all, Robots have no sperm. There is no way that a baby could be conceived) **

There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon where Wheetly was. (**Technically, he was floating in orbit around the moon but eh) **I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch. **(That was a rhyme. This fic is a waist of my time) **Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy started lolling at me again an calling me names like "Fat Uguly B****!"

I stared rite at their lauffin' feces **(Robots don't poop. Although, I do have this mental image of Marrissa just laughing at a pile of crap)** and said my first words! "OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!" **(Huh, my first words where waying "Tis" when I wanted something) ** An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. **(Doesn't a portal gun take like, two hands) **My hare was streaming behind me **(Awe, she has a pet bunny How adorable) **an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. "Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn't space lost!"

**(Oh, that reminds me. Time, to use the Mary Sue Checklist. Let's see, Bad Grammer: Check. Complaining about how she wished she was normal? Check.)**

I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was.

There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself! **(GLaDOS doesn't have arms. How does she do that)**"CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER'S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!" Then robot blood started goin everwhere **(Does that mean oil?)** and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1!

THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, **(It was a hole lot of crap)** IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!

**(Well that was incredibly stupid. I could literally feel my brain cells dying. I think with every sentence my IQ went down. Oh well.)**


	2. The Story Suicides

AN Ok to all the flamerz here I unnerstand why you don't like chapter 1 **(Then why did you continue)**it's the inductory chapter so there wasn't much good stuff. But heres were the action picks up **(Oh joy)**!

Glaods was dead an I was Chell's sister! I o-mouthed **(Slams head against the wall)** at the shock from all the revelation if only Glados hadn't sewiseded **(Robots can "sewised" unless they shut themselves down)**maybe she could give me the down lo. But I did no two things 1 I had to find Chell an tell her the big newds an 2 what happed to Wheetly **(Chell knows what happened to Wheatley. She put him in space.) **I had to fin doubt. **(I doubt you use spell check)**

Juts then Atals an P-Boy came in teh room lookin even madder than befour.

"Your gonna pay now you dumb b****!" Shotted P-Boy while Altas lolled an wrote mean things on my facebook **(You're right. Screw using Portal guns, they just wrote mean things on her facebook page)** LIKE A SERTAN OTHER SOMEONE!

I held one hand tite to my portal gun an got ready to fight them when a strange feelin came over me. It was all matrixy an slow-mo but also like electric **(Special powers? Check)** I could see all the sparks an wires an things in the robots.

"POWER OAF!" I yelled for some reson I didn't no why **(Neither do we)** an the two robots went dead. Electic lightening came thru my skin an eyes an mouth an everywhere **(Is she dead!)** but I was not shocked. **(No she isn't dead)** Some of teh bolts hitted Glados an she became alife a gain!

"YOU STOPED MY SEWISED MARISSA ROBERTS THAT WAS NOT NISE!" Glados angered loud an started cutting herself to make a new dead. **(A new dead. Yeah old dead is too mainsteam)** I just locked at me hands where little lighting bolts was still happening an thot "What is goin on!" Gladoss aw the sparks an o-mouthed. "YUR POWERS THEY ARE MANIFASTING YOU MUST FIN DCHELL!"

I was soooo confused an angry for Glados no telling me I had speshul powers, I coulda used them to solve TESTS. **(Yeah, I'm not sure how electricity could help with a test. Well, except for maybe with turrets.)** But I did wanted to meet Cheel **(I thought you already met her.)** an let her no were sisters an I have cool robot powers. "ILL EXPLANE EVER THING LATER FIRST YOU MUST GET TO CHELL SHE IS IN SPACE LOOKIN FOR WHEETLY!" I o-mouthed, Chell new how ot space flight an was savin Wheetly? I was sooooo happy now but didt no how to go space.

"But how can I space?" **(That's a good question. How does one "Space". I want to "Space". How can I space.) **Glados lolled an sad "YOU HAVE MORE POWERS THAN YOULL EVER NO BUT ONE IS SPACE FLY AND BRETHING!" **(Breathing? I have that super power to. I am amazing.)**

This was sooooooo shocking I thot hard about flyin **(So, it shocked you so much you started to fly.)**an suddenly rocks came out of my feet an I started to fly up past the portal labs an into space. When I got to the moon I looked fro Chell n Wheetly. I STARted (hehe becos its in space where there are stars) **(I get it. It's just not funny.)** lookin behind asterods an space junk but they wasn't there. Then I rembered, in space noone can here you scream! So I couldn't here them, unless maybe I have another special power!

I thot hard to try an listen when I heard something it was….. WHEETLY! "You bloody sod stop oh god save the queen!". **(Do you hear that? That's the sound of everyone in England suddenly turning. They don't know why, but they suddenly and collectively felt offended)** Chell was there an she was beeting him up an Wheetly was all broken lookin. My heart fell but the sight of my tru love gave me MORE POWER an I flew towars him.

"Cheel stop hurtin Wheetly!" I begged to her. Chell looked right at me with a lot of hatred an some sad too an said: "Wheetly went evil an tried to kill me an I bet he tried to kill you too because we're sisters Im sorry I never telled you Marissa." **(Ah logic)** I o-mouthed again at the revelation. Chell new we were sisters the hole time? But Glados sayd she didn't tell her, **(That doesn't mean anything. She could have known without GLaDOS telling her.) **that was when I realized it was trap.

"Help me Marrissa this bloody bugger is trying to wank me!" **(I'm an American. All I really know about British people is from BBC shows, danisnotonfire and Amazing Phil. However, I do know that British People definitely don't talk like that. Also, you're using wank wrong. In the context you are using it is incredibly disterbing.)**

Wheetly pleaded as Chell kept beeting him up.

"Yur not Chell, yur GLADOS!" **(How could you tell)** I screamed an "Chell" got a "Oh S***!" look on her feces. **(Ok. Adding to my little drinking game, take a shot every time she says "feces" instead of face. On second thought don't. You'll die of Alcohol poisoning. I don't want to be responsible for your liver failure)** I punched fak Chell in her face an the skin ripped off **(Yeah, unless you scratched her as you punched her, it wouldn't rip her skin off.)** to show that she was a robot like the Terminator but instead of terminator it was Glados! **(How did she get up there that fast.)**

"Why did you trick me?" "I wanted revenge for you stopping me from sewisding!" Glados robot screemed. Befour I could get MY revenge of Glados Wheetly yelled out real loud!

"BLOODY HELL IT'S A SODDING ASTEROD HEADED STRATE TOWARDS US!" **(I'll just send a formal apology to all of Britain . So, should I just send it to Buckingham Palace, or do I need to send one to every citizen individually?)** I looked an saw the Asterod it was bout to hit us when…..**(They died and the story was over?)**

TO BE CONTINUED!

HOW DID I SURVIVE THAT? **(Oh, you ruined the surprise.)** WHERE ALLS THE POWERS COMING FROM? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER THREE WITH EVVEN MORE INTENSE ACTION!


	3. Don't worry Luna Only 14 more chapters

To all the flamerz I got a good review **(I find that unlikely) **so there, pepole like my story an yur just trolls.

The pepole tryin to give consertive criticism tell me what you don't like or yur as bad as the REAL TROLLS! **(So, I'm a troll if I don't tell you what I don't like? Excellent.)**

Chapter 3 MEETIN WITH CHELL

The asterood was headin right for us an hit us an it hurt my every place. **(You know, you'd think that being hit by a asteroid would do more than just hurt.)** Wheetly got alls broken but robot Glados **(What do you mean by robot GLaDOS. She was already a robot. Although, she was disguising as Chell, was she an android?)** was not close an pushed way into space. "I hope yur bloody powers can help us sodding land!" **(So, about those apology letters. Is there a collective address that I can send them to?)** Wheetly yelled becos he was scared.

I tried hard an a magic shield came around me an Wheetly so as we started fallin to Earth no thing bad happened. **(That's not true. Something bad did happed. This crap.)** As well falled fast towards Earth I saw Portal Labs **(Aperture. Is that so hard to spell? It has fewer letters.)** comin up front so I braced myself round Wheetly. **(Why did you need to do that. I thought you had that "Magic Shield")** We landed with a huge crush to were Atlas an P-BODY **(She...She spelled it right.)** (Thanks CONSTRACTIVE CRITISIM GUYS AN NOT TROLLS) were smokin more drugs. The looks on there feces **(Ok. What is her poop fetish?)** were classic when ethey saw me back with Wheetly. "What are you doin here this is are turf!" Altas yelled loud at me an punch but my shield broked his hand. "Imposable!" Then I kicked him back an looked to P-Body **(She spelled it right again.)** an glared at him so he pooped robot stuff an ran away.

Suddenly without warnin a girl jumped from the whole in the seelin I made when I landed. She was wearin a jumpsuit like me an she looked like me but a little less pretty an hot. **(Prettier than a main character? Check)** I new immediately it was Chell. Chelllooked at me an smiled an started to dance crazy.

"SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!" Chell sung as her danced an shake butt. Wheetly got sad lookin an told me "I forgot to mention she got brane damage **(Wow that's not offensive at a****_l_****l. No but seriously looks like I have more apology notes to make.)** an cant solve tests no more that's why Glaods let her go befour." **(No, GLaDOS let her out because she was too hard to kill. Also, Caroline made her.)** I cried some tears at my retorded sister shakin her butt all crazy an stuff like on the Sym-Bionical Titan show.

I got out a magum pistol an went up to Chell head to shoot an pet her out of her MISERY (which is also a movie). **(I don't care: I hate this I don't care)** The gun went off like boom boom boom an Chell falled down with blood from her headhole. "Im sorry my sister." Wheetly was cryin an I started cryin to becos it was a really sad day. **(You're in Aperture-freaking-Science. Isn't there like medical rooms somewhere were you could help her. For that matter, she was just "Booty Quaking" she wasn't hurting anyone. Why was killing her your only option .)**

After all the tears came out I got up an went to find Glados for revenge. **(Revenge? For what? YOU killed Chell it wasn't GLaDOS's fault.)** Wheelty couldn't walk so I put him in my jumpsuit an he got real happy **(Ok, math time. I roughly estimate that Wheatley is maybe a little bit smaller than a companion cube. There is no way she could fit)** "Marrissa yur chests is so big an squishy!" **(Ok, I am a girl. I can tell you, unless your boobs are the TARDIS there is no way Wheatley could fit there with you being able to move.)** He happied so I got happy **(I'm not happy.)** too an we went for Glados.

Glados was listinin to her dumb goth emo music **(Ok I listen to Chameleon Circuit and Owl City. However, I don't think it's ok to insult others music taste.) **when she saw me an Wheetly come in. "WHAT DO YOU WANT YUO ALREADY STOPED ME FROM SEWISIDING AN STOPED MY REVANGE?"

"You put Wheetly in space **(That was Chell)** an made Chell booty quake **(No, that was brain damage due to either over a long period in suspension or over exposure to this fic)** an tried to kill me to so I will kill you."

My body started glowin electric an I used my special new fight ability MEGA PAWNCH **(Marrissa used MEGA PAWNCH. It's super effective.)** to punch Glados head off an she died for real this time. **(So, do we wait 2 or 3 chapters for her to come back.)** Wheetly turned off all the dumb goth emo music with science powers **(BY THE POWER OF SCIENCE! My Chemical Romance desist!)** an we were happy. Then I remembered somethig I needed to tell to Wheetly.

"Wheetly you need to no that Im….. pragenant!" Wheetly looked at me with shock **(Probably because he knows that it is physically impossible for a human and a robot to reproduce. Mainly because Wheatley doens't have a penis...or sperm.)** an aww. "Marrissa this is good news we can have robot ball/humon baby an live happily ever after for ever now!" **(So, is it over?)**

I was sooooo happy I hugged Wheetly an we almost made a twin baby right then an there **(You slept though biology class didn't you, or did you just take Sex Ed. in Texas.)** when Atlas an P-Body show up.

"Hey b**** were back!" Atlas yelled an took out a guns. [-Body took one of the gun an aim it at me too. I powered up my sheld but something strange happened an I fell over an started brething hard. "Whats wrong with me?" **(And then she died and the story was over.)**

Wheelty got scarred lookin while Atlas an P-Body lolled an got ready to shoot us up. Things was going down bad when some one raised up from behind the two robojerks an hitted them on heads with frying pan! **(Ok, that was awesome.)** It was… CHELL!

"Chell you saved us!" I congradulated her. "Marrissa you made me Left 4 Dead (AN: LOL) you b**** so now get ready to die!" Lookin closer I saw Chell was right, she was a zombee now! Wheetly made some growls to stop her but Chell didn't care an tried to bite me but accidentally bit Atlas instead so he became a robot zomboy! **(Robot Zombies...is that a thing, because is it's not, it should be.)**

TO BE CONTINUED?

IM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS FOR WHAT MARRISSA CAN DO IN PORTAL LABS I THINK NECKS CHAPTER SHELL GO TO OTHER VALVE GAMES **(No! Leave them out of it.)** MAYBE IF YOU WANT? **(I don't want.)**


	4. It can't get any worse? Can it?

**(Okay so, I've decided if I have to suffer, I might as well get something out of it. Shameless self-promotion. **

**Loyal readers I have a tumblr! It's just random things I reblog. The link is on my profile. If you are too lazy to go there the link is lunammoon,tumblr,com. Just replace the commas with periods. Ok self-promotion over.)**

AN: BEFOUR THE CHAPTER HERES A SHOUT OUT TO SOME OF MY REVIEWS! **(You have reviews? That aren't negative?)**

XHEADFONECHICKX – THANKS FOR THE IDEA, I REMBER GLADOS SAID THAT ANDROD HELL WAS A PLACE IN PORTAL 1 SO THAT GAVE ME THE IDEA FOR THIS CHAPTER! **(So this story actually takes place in hell? Let's be honest, none of you are surprised.)**

THE PIE3 – OF COURSE ITS BAD CHELL BOOTY QUAKED AN NOW THERE ARE ZOMBOYS, IF IT DOESN'T GET BAT THE STORY WULD BE BORON! ITS CALLED CONFILCT MY TEACHER TOLD ME SO! **(You go to school?)**

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER 3: HELLO HELL, THE RETURN OF GABE JONSON!

I o-mouthed **(Ok take a drink every time she says either "o-mouthed" or "lol". However, if you do that you may want to get in line for a liver transplant. You'll need a head start.)** in shock at zombee Chell an Atlas an Wheetly just screamed real loud. There was no weapons to fight them with but I thot hard an used the portal gun to portal below me an far away **(Why would you need to think hard. Just use it.)** so I escaped with Wheetly. "That was a close one Wheetly" **(Is Wheatley still between your chesticles.)** said to me an we started lookin for clues on why zomboys happened. Then was wen I realized one of my powers was super detective **(Are you Sherlock? In that case fake your death by jumping off a building. Or better yet! Don't fake it and just jump.)** an I new where zombees came from. THE TATERS!

"Those were zombee taters if you eat them an dead you will be zombee." **(That makes sense. In a weird way.)** I esplained to Wheetly who o-mouthed. Then a portal happened an Chell an Atlas came out with nifes ready to eat us! My powers were still all wonky so I culdnt fight them instead we ran fast but triped. I looked to what I triped on an saw it was…. A prototip portal gun! **(You mean the huge backpack thing with the attached gun? Was it just lying around?)** I piced it up an test fired it at Chell an Altas who falled down it an flames came up.

"Bloody hell it's a buggering portal to andord hell!" **(Yay!) **Wheetly realized an I new he was right. Even tho they were zombees now I had to safe my sister an Altas from androod hell so I grabed the prototip portal gun an jumped in. "Marrissa no its toooo dangerous!" Wheetly cried but I had to do it. **(Please remember, Wheatley is still in her cleavage during this.)**

Insid androd hell was a bunch of metal an fire with robots gettin bet up I saw Glados an Chell an Atlas all there being hurted by robodemons from the game DOOM. I wents up to Cshell an saw her was not zombee any more an o-mouthed at me.

"Marrissa you saved me becos there are no zombees in adroid hell **(Ok, please note this comment. I'm won't tell you why now, but keep it in your brain.)** thank you!" Chell hugged me an I was happy that my sister was safed but now we had to fined Altas an get out of here. So we went lookin for Atlas when I saw a hotub made off lava with a muscely guy in it an lots of hot babes. Chell was reel suprised at him an I thot telepathic "Whats goin on Chell whos that guy?"

"That guy is…. GABE JONSON!" **(Does she mean "Cave" Johnson? Too be fair, Cave does sound like Gabe if you say it fast enough.**

**You just said Cave really fast to yourself, didn't you.)** The man looked up at us when Chell sayd it an he was all shocked. "Marrissa is that you?" He was all scarred lookin an made fart bubbles in the hotub which made all the hot babes angry so they left. **(Wow. That was incredibly pointless.)** "OMG How do you no my name?" I asked in shock an o-mouthed. "I no it becos your… MY DOTTER!" We all even the robots o-mouthed an Chell fainted becus wewere sisters so she was Gabe Jonsons dotter **(I forgot. Relatives of main character/s: Check.)** too. Gabe got out of the hotub but he was NAKED so it was all gross an I ran away. **(Another pointless moment.)** "OMG OOPS!" Gabe said lolling an got some pants on but I was already goin far away.

After some far runnin I got back to the portal an saw something bad! Wheetly was all tied up an P-Body an now alife Atlas were throwin the taters into androod hell an robots were eatin em an turning to zomboys! **(Remember that info I told you to store away. You know, the bit about there being no zombies and Android hell. Look at this. Wait, those are zomboys, not zombees. Never mind.)** A robodemon ate one an becomed the big zombie boss monster from Reisdent Evil only he had a portal gun an rocket launchers. Gabe Jonson ran up carryin Chell but zombees were chasin them! Atlas an P-Body lolled an said "Bye B****!" an closed the portal leavin us rapped! We had been Left 4 Dead!

"Marrissa you most use yur powers its the only hope." Gabe Jonson said an I new it was true. **(How?)** I bended down on the metal floor an thot hard an sparks came out of my everwhere an I glowed brite gold. **(Plot-Convenience powers activate. That reminds me. Plot-Convenience powers? Check.)** Gabe Jonson o-mouthed at me an Chell was still uncosios so she didnt do nothin. **(No dip Sherlock.)** There was a huge flash of the britest lite ever an we were in Portal Labs! **(Say it with me. Ah-Per-Ture)**

"Yay we did it!" I sad huggin Gabe an Chell. Then some one started to lol at us it was… GLADOS! "You let me escape from Ardod Hell now I will have my revenge on you Marrissa Roberts!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! CAN MARRISSA ESKAPE FROM GLADOS ONCE AN FOR ALL AN IS GABE JONSON REELY A GOOD GUY AN DAD? FIND OUT SOON!

**(So from my reviewers, I've been informed of two things. **

**1) I got the address. Thanks, I'm working on the apology letters now.**

**2) It get's worse**

**The things I do for you people.) **


	5. It did

**(Two chapters in one day. Don't get used to it.)**

AN THANKS FOR THE SPELLIN CORRECSHUN ON WHEETLY WHO IS NOW WHAATLY **(Neither are correct).** AN GLADOS IS NOW GLaDOS **(Finally)**!

GLaDOS was makin me do tests a gain with lots of traps an turrents. **(So you "didn't" get killed.)** Becos she was a emo goth now **(Wasn't she already. Also, she did I because she hates you. It has nothing to do her "emoness" and "gothic".)** all the walls were black an red an there was Avril Lavinge an My Kemical Romance music playin which made it hard for me to do the tests an GlaDOS was cryin an cuttin herself on the big screen comptuer. **(Was, she like cutting herself with the screen.)** WHEATLY whos name was right this time **(It's really not.)** was back on his rale an had to clean up all the robot blood from GLadOS cuttin herself **(So I have several apology notes. Some for England, some for people with mental issues, and now people with suicidal thoughts and self-harm...by the way, a quick message to everyone with problems. You are wonderful. Have a hug...unless you aren't comfortable with that, then you can have a firm handshake... unless you don't like human contact but want acknowledgement in that case a firm nod.)** an it was all messy an sticky like the repulsive gel.

I pressed a botton that made the test done **(Was this Wheatley's test?)** an got ready for the next one when a rumbling happened all of sudden. A thing fell out of the seeling an it was… MY COMPANON COOB! I ran so fast to the coob an gave it a big hug an cryed some becos I was so happy at least GLados had gived me one thing to be happy with **(Your robot boyfriend is in the other room)**. Then the prototip portal gun came out from a wall-hole an made a new portal to Andord hell.

"You must drop the coob in Adroid Hell now Marrissa or ill put NEROTOKSIN **(Is that more, or less deadly than neurotoxin.)** in the room!" GlADOS said.

I culdnt kill my companion coob, he was my best frend besides Wheatly an Chell, then I rembered Gabe **(*cough* Cave *cough*)**Jonson was supposed to be here an he was my dad so maybe he was workin to stop GlaDOS which gave me renued strength to do more tests but I had to find away to not hurt my coob.

If onyl I had a powers to solve the test without hurting my companion boob **(Does that mean Wheatley, or does she have a companion tattooed on her boob.)** I thout. "HURRY UP MARRISSA THE NEROTOKSIN IS ALMOST REDDY!" GLaDOS angered when I realized one of my powers is NEROTOKSIN immunity! **(By the power of plot convenience. Also, how did you know that.)** "Go head an toksin me Glads." I boated to the dumb emo goth computer women. "DOT SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!" GLaDOS started pumpin all the room with icky green farts **(No comment)** that smelled reel bad but didt hurt becos I was immune.

I piced up the companon coob an went threw door an saw something bad…. **(This fanfiction?)**

Chell was shakin' her butt all jiggly a gain an dance crazy an Wheatly was watchin. "SHAKE IT BACK IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!" **(Take this fic, set it on fire, burn it to the ground.)** She sung an I realized that Chell had a relaps of brane damage. "YEAH Chell BOOTY CUAKE IT!" Wheeatly cheered becos he didt no I was watchin. "WHATLY HOW COLD YOU?" I screemed an Wheatly said "OH BLOODY WANKER!" **(You know, maybe I should add a gift of some sort to that apology. Like maybe some chocolate or money.)**

An ran off on his rale. Chell was still retorded but I GlaDOS taked my magum pistol so I couldn't fix her. **(You mean kill her in cold blood?)** I sat down an started cryin.

How cold Wheatly bretrayed me when I was preganent with his robot ball/human baby **(That is against all biology.)** an we loved eechother? **(For once, that question mark belongs there.)**

Also I needed to fix Chell so she would stop doing dance crazy with shake butt but not even my powers could fix brane damage. "THERE IS ONLY ONE CURE FOR BRANE DAMAGE!" GLaDON yelled out loud with no indoor voice. **(GLaDOS uses more of a passive aggressive monotone.)** "IT IS THE ZOMBEE TATERS!" Now it all made sense! When Chell was zomboy she was act normal so to safe Chell I needed to make her zombee a gain! This was bad news. I had to pick between retorded normal Chell or smart zombee Chell an even sores Wheatly was cheetin on me!

I walked off leavin Chell to dance crazy an found the zombee taters. I picked one up an started to CRY. "WHY IS EVER THING GOIN BAD AN WRONG AN WHEETLY ABDONED ME FOR MY TARDED SISTER?" Cry came out of all my eyes **(What a coincidence. Cry is coming out of my eyes too.)** an all every where. I didn't no it at the time, but it was part of GLaDOS plan, she was turnin me into a goth emo! **(I'm not a goth nor an emo. I have friends who are emo and while I find MCR annoying due to my friends playing it too much, don't hate on other's music taste.)**

MEENWHILE Wheatly was rollin on his rale with tears in eye becos he was sad for betrayin me. **(How is he crying.)** "Why did I bloody have to betray Marrissa my one true love? I am a sodding wonker!" **(Never mind, definitely add chocolate. Maybe some tea.)** He didn't mean to betrayed me but he secretly had a love trangle between me an Chell but he thot it ended but guess not. **(Love triangle? Check)** "I have to a polozie to Marrissa an make things better a gain!" Wheetly speeded on his rale back to me when some thing grabbed him it was… ATLAS AN P-BODY! **(She's consistently spelling it right now.)**

"He b***** wanna smoke some drugs **(Wow!)**/?" P-Body said an gave Wheatly a drugs. "No." Wheatly answered becos drugs are bad he new from me. **(You know, you'd know. Considering how you would've had to have been on drugs. No one could ever write this sober.)** "How about drink some beer then?" Asked Atlas. Wheatly didt want to but the peer pressure was strong **(Yeah, that wasn't peer pressure. He just politely asked you.)** an he was reel sad after all…

TO BE CONTINUED!

WILL MARRISSA AN WHEATLY GET BACK TO GETHER? **(She is a Mary Sue so probably.)** WILL GLADOSS EVIL PLAN BE STOPED? WHERE IS GABE JONSON? **(We already know. In android hell.)** FIND OUT NECKS TIME ON ITS MY LIFE!


	6. I have some apologies to make

AN: OMG 30 REIVEWS! TAKE THAT FLAMERZ **(Yeah they were like 99% flames and 1% from your mom.)** YUR JUST MAKIN MY STORY MORE POPULAR **(That is true, but not for a good reason.)** ALSO IM NOT BEEN OFFENSIVE AGAINST BRANE DAMAGE **(Yes, because having her "booty quake" isn't offensive at all.)** BECOS CHELL IS JUST A PRETEND CARTOON I WULD NOT INSULT REAL BRANE DAMAGE PEPOLE **(Cartoons can be offensive.)** THATS JUST SICK!

ASLO, THIS CHAPTER IS FROM WHEELTYS POV **(So, we're away from Mary Sue. I mean Marrissa Roberts. No, I mean Mary Sue)**.

I was sooooo upset with me self becos I betrayed Marrissa **(Don't worry. It was just Marrissa. Also, didn't we see this exact same thing in the last chapter.)** an was a bloody soddin wanker **(I'm adding more things to the apology. Maybe some chocolate.)**. I didt meen to but I saw Chell booty quakin an was over come. Back when we first met I licked her an she liked **(So you licked her and she liked you. Ok.)** me but things didnt bloddy work out. She was less hot an pretty thaan Marrissa an didnt catch me on my rale! **(So, why did you like her.)** So I saw her booty quake an rembered when we was datin an got all lovey. Her bom (AN THATS BRITISH FOR BUTT LOL) **(No, it's not. Maybe some gold in that apology.)** was all jiggly wiggly an it was like when I was in charge of the hole place an we tested. Then I turned into an evil bugger an she dumped me.

"OH YEAH Chell SHAK THAT BOOTY!" I screamed out loud to Chell **(Wait didn't this happen before in the last chapter.)** but I didt realise someone else was watchin... Marrissa! "WHEATLY HOW COLD YOU!/11" Oh bloody hell sod she saw me with Chell god save the queen! **(Maybe all of Great Britain and not just England.)** "OH BLOODY WANKER!" I yelled a gain an ran away faster than ever befour on my rale. I couldnt let Marrissa see me cheetin any more I was real sad.

Soon I was in a place I didnt see befour there were drusg ever where an beer an playboy magazines **(So, a frat house?)** it was where Altas an P=Body lived! I looked round some wwhen a thing grabed me! "He b***** wanna smoke some drugs/?" P-Body said an gave ne a drugs. "No." I answered becos drugs are bad I new from Marrissa. "How about drink some beer then?" Asked Atlas. I didt bloody want to but the peer pressure was strong **(That wasn't peer pressure. ATLAS and P-Body aren't peers and they didn't really pressure.)** an I was reel sad after all… So I sayd "Ok fine you sodding wonks." So they gave me beer an drugs an I started to smoke them up. **(You smoked beer? Wheatley, you really are a moron.)** They feeled real good like the testing so I was happy an got hi. I started tellin my story to Atlas an P-bODY an they herd me tell it.

"Then she bloody dumped just becos I was enjoyin' the floor show with CHell an booty." Atlas an P-Body pated me on the ballback **(That can be interpreted as one of two things.)** an said "Ots Wheatly we unnerstand yur problems thats why Marrissas a b****." I shoud have listened to them but I did any way an got angry like I was on sterods **(Steroids don't make you angry. They make you strong. But don't do them because they can also cause mussel strain and heart failure.)** ore something. "You shoud get revenge on her an show her whos boss!" \P-Body agreed while drinkin more beer.

"Yur right guys we need to teech that b**** a lesson!" I angered becos the drugs an beer was makin me confused. **(Yeah, I don't know about what drugs they are taking considering all they say are drugs but Alcohol just lowers you self-control. You don't do anything that you wouldn't do otherwise. Then again it could be the drugs. Not the ones the Robots are taking but the ones the author is on.)** I was such a bugger bloke but I felt sooooo hi I had to.

"Lets go fine her an teach Marrissa her lesson!" Altas yelled an I an P-Body said "YEAH!" an we charged lookin for Marrissa. We found her in a test room an I was shocked... she was wearin a black jumpsuit an cuttin herself while lisitin to Avril Lavinge music! Marrissa had became... a goth emo!

TO BE CONTINUED!

SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHHORT **(Don't apologize.)** BUT I DONT LIKE WRITIN AS WHEATLY THE NECKS PART WILL BE LONGER AN WILL MARRISSA STOP BEEN A DUMB GOTH EMO? ALSO GABE JONSON WILL COME BACK AN HE HAS A BIG SUPRISE! FIND OUT!

**(So this is a PSA. Fanfiction will be down on February 29th and 30th. It will resume on March 1st. Spread the word.)**


	7. Let's do the time warp again

AN THANKS FOR THE GOOD REVIEWS **(pffthahahaha)** YOU LAST TOW ONES. AS LONG AS THE REEL FANS SUPPORT ME THIS STORY WILL NEVER DYE! **(Noooooo.)**

ALSO THANKS FOR TELLIN ME ABOUT NEXT NOT NECKS ILL REMBER THAT. =D

All of sudden Wheatly an Altas an P-Body was were I was an looked all shocked at me. I was a goth emo now an had died my jumpsuit black **(With what? Or do your powers include dye?)** an was cuttin myself while listenin to Avril Lavinge music. **(That is incredibly offensive to people who self-harm. I mean, I don't but seriously.)** "Marrissa what happoned to you?" Wheatly asked but I just cryed at him an yell "You broke me heart Wheatly, so Im a goth emo now **(Dude, it was like 5 minutes. There is no way that kind of change can happen in such a short period of time.)** an were threw!" I got up like crazy an puched Wheatly in the eyeball-thing so hard he fell of the rale an landed with a huge crush an he was broken. **(He survived falling from that height in the games.)**

"NOOOOOO WHEETLY!" I ranned to the robocorpse an picked him up in my arms. "You are died an now our baby will have no father." I cried even more an cut myself a copple more times. **(Yeah, wouldn't cutting yourself hurt your baby.)** Atlas an P-Body was froze in shock at the site of Wheatly's kill. Then a guy walked in with a tool box an lots of tooles. "Don't worry my dotter Ill fix him!" Gabe Jonson **(Swiggity Swell, #backfromhell)** looked at me an smiled an I was reel happy an gabe him the Wheatly body so he could make it work a gain. "Oh no" He o-mouthed. "Wheatly body is full of drugs an beer!" **(How the ever-loving tie-dye duct tape did he actually get it inside him.)**

Atlas an P-Body got nervos an I glared at them reel mean like an said "What did you do TO WHEATLY YOU B*****S!" My powers started glowin like the sun an electric sparks went ever where. "Marrissa stop yur powers are too strong!" Gabe pleeded but I was soo angry that I didt listen an powere up more until electric stuff went every all an the whole room explosioned! **(Did you die?)**

When I woke up there was messy dirt an marks all a round me an the room was destoryed. I looked a front of me an saw Atlas an P-Body was died **(Oh no. You killed Kenny 1 and 2.)** an I was happy. Then I saw a skelton that was Gabe Jonson an Wheetly an I got sad a gain an started to cut myself some more while singing a My Kemical Romace song. **(Which one.)** "Hahahahaha!" GLaDOS started lolling at me. "Now you are a goth emo an killed all yur friends my plan worked." I punched fist into hand an got the most angry ever, this was all GLaDOES plan! **(No crap.)**

"Wheatly wasn't realy cheetin on you Marrissa I was controllin him **(That makes sense.)** an I gave Chell the brane damage relaps! **(That doesn't.)** LOL!" GLaDOS had gon two far this time an I needed to kill her for ever now. **(She is a robot. You can't do that.) **My powers were flowin threw my vans an I blew up the wall **(You threw a couple of vans. That's actually kind of also.)** an went to GLaDOSs room.

"YOU MADE ME KILLED WHEATLY **(She really didn't.)** AN A GOTH EMO AN ROONED EVER THING NOW YOULL PAY GLADOS YOU B****!" I used my powers to make my jumpsuit not black no more becos I had stopped being a goth emo for good. **(Wow you have mood swings. I guess you are pregnant.)** "No stop Marrissa you cannt kill me im yur mother!" **(That means nothing.)** I stopped an thot she was lyin but then I used my detective power an new it was true. I couldn't kill my on mother **(Why not.)** but she was a evil mother so maybe I cold. "I killed you ones befour I can do it a gain!" I powered up my powers like a fireball of the glowy electric powers an shot them at GLaDOS an blew up the hole room.

GLaDOS was finally ded but I wasn't happy none. Wheatly was still gone an I had killed him. Then Chell came into to the room cryin an I saw that the exploshun had made a peace of metal slice her butt off so she couldn't booty quake none more. **(Or you know fart.)** Ever thing was rooned an not even my powers cold fix it now. I sat down on knees an cried some more (but not emo cry becos im not a goth emo any more) **(No one cares.)** . It was teh end but not happy which meens Im not perfect so Im not a Mary Sue **(Saying they aren't a Mary Sue? Check.)** AREEL WRITER or what ever yur name is! Chell tried booty quake but with no bom all that happened was blood got in places from the shakin' an some blood hit a werd machine. **(That is actually hilarious.)** It was…. A time machine! **(Let's do the time warp again.)**

"OMG I can go back in time an stop me from killin Wheatly **(That would definitely cause a paradox,)** an make every thing happy a gain!" I ran tinto the time machine an pressed some bottons and there was a huge flash…

TO BE CONTINUED!

UH OH MARRISSA IS GON BACK IN TIME BUT DID SHE GO TO THE RIGHT TIME OR MAYBE TO PORTAL 1 **(You spoiled it.)** TIME WINK WINK FIND OUT NEXT TIME!


	8. Why did I think this was a good idea?

AN SORRY IT WAS TAKIN SOO LONG FOR ME TO UPDATE **(Why are you apologizing?)**BUT HERES THE BIGGEST CHAPPER YET!

The time mashine **(Time travel? Believe it or not that's part of the Mary Sue checklist. No seriously. You'd be surprised how many Mary Sue fics involve time travel.)** squirted me out into the past **(That's a fine mental image.)** an I looked round. I cold see a girl in a jumpsuit like mean doin tests bu she was much less hot an pretty so it must've been past Chell. "OH GURGS!" I yelled in sad, **(Why?)**

Chell didt do tests becos she was booty quakin so I must've goned to far back to Portal 1!

But the time mashine hadnt been invention yet so I had to find a nother way. **(Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you took it with you? Did it just make a time portal?)** "YUO ARE NOT PART OF TESTS PREPAIR TO DI!" GLaDOS said **(That, is mildly in character.)** at me but I still had my portal gon an powers. **(Why wouldn't you.)** I charged my powers into the portal gun wich made it glow an electric stuff round it. I fried it an the portal wasnt a normal portal but a blak hole! Chell wasnt brane damage yet so she was smart an got away **(I'm a science geek so this part really annoys me. Nothing can escape a black hole. A black hole is the result of a star collapsing on its self. Not even light can escape it.)** bu the GLadOS camra wasnt lucky an got sucked in. I lolled at dead GLaDOS camera an went to find some thing that could make me future. **(How does one future?)**

I saw sum rbots doin tests in a diffrant room an they looked kin a familiar. "Hi my name is Atlas an this is P-Boy (he changes his name to P-Body later thats why hes P-Boy in the first few chapters). **(Ok. No. Just, no. Also, the co-op robots weren't made until at least towards the middle of chapter 2. They weren't around during Portal 1.)** " P-Doy waved nice at me I realised these must be prototip Atlas an P-Body from befour they were jerks!

"My name is Marrissa Roberts an Im lookin for a time mashine to get me BACK FO THE FURTURE lol." Atlas an P-Boyd didnt understan becos this was the past an Back to the Future wasnt invented yet. **(Yeah no. Back to the Future came out in 1985. Portal 1 takes place roughly during 2011. It had come out by then. A better reason would be because they just haven't seen it.)** "GLaDS didt make a time mashine yet bu you can sleep in the relax hotel for some years or somefin." **(You know. An alien race came by our planet once. They had the cure for cancer, the common cold, and every disease. Then they saw this fic and realized the human race didn't deserve it.)**

P-Boy said an I went there. Little did I no I had assidentaly left some drugs an beer from Wheatly body in the room an Atlas an Pboy saw them an smoked them an became jerks! **(Please note they get the drugs for the first time now. This will make sense later.)**

Usin' a portal I got to relax hotel in notime there was a lot of sleepin guys an a robot ball lookin at them. My heart droped in happy. "WHEATLY!" I screemed ayn rand towards him. Wheetly looked ta me an said "Bloody hell yur the most butiful girl Ive ever wankin seen!" **(So, did we ever pay for the Boston Tea we dumped?)** This must been when Wheatly an I first met! "OMG How do you no my name an woo are you?" He asked too.

"Im Marrissa an I no yur name becos... I guessed lucky?" I didt want to let Whatly no I was from the future or Id mess up the time streem. **(Honey, you've already made a hole in the universe by touching him.)** "Do you no how I can get to the future?" Wheatly thot on my question. "Sorry I can think becos yur so hot an pretty I get distracted."

I lolled at the compliment an gave him a kiss. "I AM IN LOFE WITH YOU!" An I smelled at him. **(I hate you all.)** "Wheatly yur such a charmer I love you toe." Wheatly o-mouthed an WE STARTED TO MAK OUT! An you pervs out there Im not riting what happened next! =P

After Wheatly an are "private time" **(That doesn't work. How did you have sex? Also you are pregnant.)** (winkwink) Wheatly say "Ill put you in this bed an you can sleep till the future my lopve."

I thot to myself how cold I have ever gotted a better guy than Wheet. The it happened! The wall falled away an GLaDOS was lookin at me. "MARRISSA ROBERTS I NO WHO YOU ARE AN THAT YUR FROM THE FUTURE!" Wheatly got shocked but I telled him "No Wheatly shes a lier!" Wheatly got mad an said "GLADOS IM NOT SCARRED OF YOU NO MORE I GOT THE POWER OF LOVE!" **(Oh God.)** So she punce Wheatly a way. "NOW YOU WILL DIE FOR KILLIN IN THE FUTURE!" **(How does she know about that?)** GLaDOS turned on here nerotksin.

"Did you forgot Im immune to nerotoksin lol?" **(Actually, that was her in the future. She didn't know about that then. But, it does bring up the question of why she didn't know in the future.) **GLaDOS had a "Dude WTF" look on her feces. **(POOP FETISH,)** Then got smart a gain an said "Oh yeah yur powers well I no were they came from an how to stop them." Then some thign happened. I got all glowy an electic my powers were strongar then ever. "No, imposable!" GLaDOS scrammed an I said "DIE B****!" An shooted my powers but it wasnt rite power. Instead ano black hole opened an I was sucked "LOL you are died!" GLaDOS boated an started doin more tests on Chell. Then the black hole got all black insid an I blacked out. **(Then your body collapsed on itself. That's why would happen in a black whole.)**

When I awaked I was in a crass room an there was students ever where with "WTF" looks on their feces. A guy got up an he looked realy familiar like I seed him befour. "Hi my name is Gabe Jonson an this is my girlfrend Karolin." He ponted at a hot gurl that looked kinna like GLaDOS if she was person. **(I'm thinking of those human!GLaDOS fan art on Devianart.)** "Who you?" She asked kinna jelous bcos I was touchin her boyfrend. "Uh... Im Marrissa Roberts im a new xchange student." I was tootaly wiered out becos I didt no where I was. Then it clacked. Gabe Jonson... Karlion... I more deeper in tim to the PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL! "My hose blowed up cold I stay with wonna you? **(No one with an IQ over 16 would believe that.)**" An Karlin said "OK we can be lick sisters!" **(Point proven.) **We wents to Karlins becos we were too cool for school which was nice an pink an the guy from Leave it Beaber was next door.

"Welcome to my commode!" **(You can keep your crap fetish there.)** Karoline yelled with pride at her room. There was a doble bed an a hairdresser an a toilet an closet with huge cloths. "Ill leave you gurls alone lol." Gabe Jonson said an left to do mainly things. Karolen an I satted her bed an talked bout cute boys an muisic an stuff. "How about Justin Beaver isnt he teh hostess?" Karlin looked at me funny. "JUSTIN BABER ISNT INVENTED YET ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?" **(How would you know he wasn't invented if he wasn't invented.)** I o-mouthed an said "OH S***!" Then I locked door an covere windos. "Promise you wont tell no none." An Karolin pinky sweated with me. "Alrite Im from the future an Im yur boyfrends dotter an I think yur my mom!" Karolin o-mouthed I thot from the revlation but then I looked an saw she o-mouthed becos som eone jumped out an...

TO BE CONTINUED!

WHOS JUMP OUT? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ITS MY LIFE!


	9. I tell about Portal High lesson plans

AN THIS WILL BE THE CHAPTER WITH ALL THE BIG REVLATIONS!

PS P-BODY IS A GILR? **(Finally.)** THANKS FOR TEH INFO ILL WORK THAT INTO THE STORY!

PPS OF CORSE GABE JONSON IS DEAD THATS WHY MARRISSA FOUND HIM IN ARDOID HELL DUH! ALSO WHOS CAVE JONSON **(The maker of Aperture.)** IS HE LICK GABES EVIL TWIN **(No)** THATS A GOOD PLOT IDEA!

I turnsed round an saw that it was... WHEATLY! "Marrissa Im soo glad I found you! The black bloody hole sodding sucked me in too!" **(If it took you somewhere, it was more of a wormhole. As I said before, if it was a black hole, you would implode.)** I gloped Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ) **(Honey you clearly don't. You grammar and spelling is evidence.)** was all "OMFG". Wheatly locked at Carline an said "Who the bloody hell is this ugly bugger?" Becos she wasnt a pretty an hot as me an Wheetly wasnt used to seein other humans. **(I'm sorry. Allow me to copy paste something from a previous chapter**

**_there was a lot of sleepin guys an a robot ball lookin at them_**

**He clearly has seen humans before.)**

"I better explain all this stuff this is my boyfrend Wheatly the robot-ball (I cant rember was GLaDOS called him an it was meen an stupid any way) **(Intelligence Dampening Sphere. Why don't you know that? You clearly have at least 10 stuck in that diseased pile of tissue you call a brain.)** we're from the future where yur an we need to get back to then." I gave Carolion the down-lo. "Ok but I am ony a junor in Portal High School so im not smart enuff yet to build a time mashine. **(Yeah, I went there. You don't learn until 3rd quarter of Senior Year, unless you are in the advanced class. In that case you learn towards the end of Junior Year.)**

But I no some guys hoo can." Then Cabe Jonson came in the room.

"I herd every thing! We must wate for toromow then go to school an time mashine you too." So Gabe Jonson went home an me an Caroline an Wheatly all sleeped in her big doble bed but we didnt do no thing gross lick that ok! The next mornin we woke up an readied for school. "Marrissa how can I school when im a bloody roboball?" Caroline smied an said "Dont worry I can pretend yur my sience fare project." **(How convenient.)** We got Portal High School in Carlines car which as a cool ferrari. Are long hare was blowin in the breeze an we were signing pop sungs like "Party in the USA" an "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" **(Ok no. Judging from the recordings, we can assume Aperture started in in the late 1950's early 1960's. As a rough estimate, I can guess that Caroline and Cave were in high school in the late 1930s early 1940s. None of these songs were out by then.)** an Wheatly sang to but didt no the words.

When we gotted to Portal High there was a lot of guys starin at me becos I was the new girl an more hot an pretty than the others. "Sorry duds Im takin =D" **(Did she just verbally say "equal sign d?")** I waved cool an struted my stuff with Carlion. "When do we meet the time mashine?" I asked to Caraline an she said "Gabe said his frends will meet us a lunch we have to class until then." Are first class was jim (Caroline hacked the net work so all are classes were the same).

Affer we got in are jim close some guys were starin at me an hootin an lookin at my bobs so I yelled "YOU PERVEARTS!" An they ran away becos they saw me 'angry face'. "OMG!" Caroline OMGed "Look at the noo mascots there soo coot!" I looked at them an saw... "Carline those not mascots there... ATLAS AN P-BOY!" **(They could still be mascots.)** Altas an P-Boy saw mee an P-Boy "MY NAME IS P-BODY NOW BECOS IM ACTUALLYA GIRL!" P-Body yelled loud at me. I o-mouthed an Caroline went all "Dude WTF?" a gain.

"Give us more drugs an beer **(Ok, this is what I asked you to remember the previous chapter. He said "More" if this is in the past, and the last chapter was the first time they had them, then what do they mean by more?)** or well shoot you an yur frend!" Atlas goaded an taked out a guns. Caroline was a scarred an shakin while I jus held Wheatly reel tite but he didt say no thing becos he was pretendin to be a sience fare project. "OH NO YOU DONT!" A big fat kid russianed **(Those of you from Russia. I know you're out there. I'm sorry.)** at Atlas an P-Body an landed on them like squish! He goot up an brush robot parts of off him an went to shack my hand. **(Oh no. He killed Kenny.)**

"My name is Russian name so pepole just call me Heevy cos Im reel fat LOL!" Heavy russianed to me while I was shackin his hand. "You got heer just in time." Caroline lolled. The Heavy guy ponted to the left an there were some other guys. "These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer were seinors so we can smart enuff to build time mashine for you." The Ingineer got up to me. "Well little lady I herd you need a time mashine builted. Well Im a seinor an I passed my time mashine exam so I can help!" He started buildin the time mashine when Gabe Jonson came in.

"Well I guess this is goodbye my dotter." He cried a little an gave me hug an I hug back. "Ill miss you to Marrissa Roberts yur the best dotter I didt have yet." Caroline was cryin so I gave her hug too. The Ingineer gotted up an said "THE MASHINE IS COMPLEET!" **(Wow! That was quick.)**

Befour I cold go in the Ingineer stoped me an took out a big nettle. "Also I made a injecshun that will give you speshal powers." I lolled an said "I already have them becos this is the past this must be how I got them in the first place." The Ingineer thot a min an said. "Okay Ill put them in Caroline so when she babys you then you have them to not mess up the time streem." **(That...actually makes some sense.)** He put the nettle in Caroline an electric happened all over her an I felt even MORE POWER FULL. I grabed Wheatly an got ready to go in the mashine when...

MEANWHILE IN THYE FUTURE!

Back in the future Chell was still tryin a booty quake but no thing jigglewiggle. "Hey you over there come heer!" A voice said an Chell went to it. It was GLaDOS head not died affer all! "I can be yur new booty!" So Chell piced up GLADS an put where butt was there. **(That...is a hilarious mental image.)** GLaDOS started to LOL all evil an wiers came out of her an into Chell so she was transform just like GLaDOS planed...

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO CHELL AN GLADOS IS FUSED TO CHELLGADOS! HOW CAN MARRISSA STOP HER NOW AN CAN SHE EVEN GET BACK OR IS SOME THING GOIN DOWN AT PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL? FIND OUT NEXT TIEM!


	10. I'm more than halfway through!

AN THIS CHAPTUR IS REALLY ENTENSE BECOS THERES A LOT OF ACKTION! **(It is also ****XTREMLY SCRAY. Is VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD****.)**

I got reddy to step into the time mashine with Wheatly when a guy showed up who looked my dad but more meen. "I am CAVE JONSON who is GABE JONSONS more evil twin!" **(Yeah, more evil twin. Gabe is evil. Cave is slightly more evil.)** He lolled like bad an some guys camed up from behind him.

"I also cloned all yur frends to make evil ones they are called... TEEN FORTRESS 2 **(That, is actually not a bad pun. It's not good. It's not bad though.)** (Becos there in High School get it)!" I new that Caroline had powers now so I just went into the mashine when the evil Demomon explodd it. This was soo sad, I had finally gotted a way to return to the time when an now it was gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled like the sun an my powers golwed all round me with sparks an lighting.

"I AM THE DEMONMAN!" Said the Demonaman an he fired bombs at the evil guys but Cave Jonson lolled some more an said "I have made the immune with sheelds you cannot hurt them." **(Oh! How convenient.)**

My powers were still chargin up an they finished an I fired a bolt of electric stuff at Cave Jonson but then... HE FIRED ANO BOLT OF ELECTRIC STUFF TO ME! "Haha ha! The evil Ingineer **(Ingineer Outgineer.)** gave me powers like yurs Marrissa now you will die!" He shooted more powers at me but I had a trick, I still had me portal gun. I powered up teh gun an fired a black hole to were Cave Jonson was. **(As a science geek this whole black hole thing really rustles my jammies.)**

The black hole started suckin up all the things but Cave Jonson cold fly an escaped. "Can I fly to?" **(NOTHING CAN ESCAPE A BLACK HOLE YOU IDIOTIC BUTT WAFFLE.)** I asked in shock at the power. "No, you can only space flight but Ill put the power Caroline becos shes yur mom." So the Engineer taked out nettle a gain an put it in Paroline an I started to hoover. **(Why didn't he just put it directly in Marissa.)**

"FLY ON!" I yelled an soared to wards Cave Jonson who was at the tracks beatin up all the football players an tryin to molest the cheer leaders becos he was an evil jerk like Atlas an P-Body. "Hey you big jerk Cave Jonson pice on someone yur own size!" **(Isn't be bigger than you?)** I smirked with hands on hips. "No you dont you die!" Cave lolled an shot lighting bolts an power missiles at me.

I used my detective power to figure out were he wold fire an be in a nother place wen he did. "How can I not hit you with all my big booms?" I lolled at him. "Thats becos yur a bad guy an an bad guys loose!" **(You sure?)** Then I shot him with the biggest powerup I ever had **(Blue shell activate!)** an there was a big flash an Cave Jonson was gone.

I flewed back to the jim an saw Gabe an Caroline an Wheatly an the good Teen Fortress 2 cheerin "Marrissa! Marrissa! Yay!" They were all so happy an proud of me it brot a tears to my eye. "You guys are all the best! You shold come with me an Wheatly to the future!" Gabe Jonson looked sad an told me "No Marrisser, if we go life in the future then it will break the time streem an cause a paradoks." **(Finally. Someone with an IQ higher than a rice cake...I apologize. That was offensive to rice cakes.)** I cried alittle more an hugged Gabe an Caroline. "I guess this is goodbye my grate future dotter." Caroline sniffled. "Also you must have a nother child named Chell but she will be less hot an pretty than me ok?" **(Wow. Your insulting your own sister before she was even a fetus. You are a terrible person.)** They both nodded "Ok" an we were all happy.

"Marrissa I've repaired the time mashine its time for you an Wheatly to home." The good Ingineer said. I picked up Wheatly hoo was a sleep becos he didnt have his rale to charge on an stepped into the mashine. Lights started goin an flashin when suddenly... CAROLINE WAS GOT SHOT! "I was not dead it was just a trick!" Cave Jonson sayd holdin up the gun. Gabe went on the ground an cried some then stood up an screemed

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then with all the furry from his hole mussely body Gabe Jonson jump kicked Cave Jonson an blew up his head. **(How?)** Cave Jonson was died for real **(Yes. Because while your powers couldn't heal him, a kick to the head could.)** now but at what cost?

Gabe ranned to Caroline body (I coldnt becos the mashine was still powerin up with me in it). "Carlion, pleese be ok!" Gabe cried to Caroline an blood was comin out of her every where. "Im sorry Gabe but the woond is fatal she will dye soon." The Medik said with tear in eyes. **(I have never played Team Fortress Two. However, I do know that the Medic had a Medpack or something that could heal instantly. No wait. That was Medic. This is Medik my mistake.)**

"Gabe, Marrissa, I... love... you..." Then she died. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gabe cried a gain. "I will build you a new robot body Caroline an it will be called... GLaDOS!" **(That's not how Caroline became GLaDOS you Moronic Dunderhead.)** I o-mouthed but befour I cold stop him the time mashine sent me back to the future!

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! NOW MARRISSA AN WHEATLY ARE BACK IN THE PRESENT BUT CAROLINE IS TURNED INTO GLADOS! AN WHAT IS HAPPENED IN PORTAL LABS NOW THAT CHELL AN FUTURE GLADOS ARE FUSIONED? FIND OUT NEXT IME ON ITS MY LIFE!

**(Gotta love tumblr insult generator.)**


	11. Wheatley Can't Fit There

AN I CANT BEELEVE HOW MANY REVIEWS MY STORY IS GETTIN SOON ILL HAVE A HUNDERD! I LOVE YOU GUYZ!

PS OK I WAS RONG ABOUT CAVE JONSON I THOT HIS NAME WAS GABE SO TO FIX THE PLOT HOLE, AFTER MARRISSA WENT TO FUTURE GABE JONSON CHANGED NAMED TO CAVE IN ONOR OF HIS DED BROTHER.** (Wow. That's incredibly stupid.)**

"Oh thank bloody god were finally back in the sodding present Marrissa!" **(No, he isn't. That is Wheatley from the past. Hey, what's that sound? Oh it's the reapers from Doctor Who. Well, the TARDIS should be here somewhere.)** Wheatly happily said to me as we got out of time mashine into Portal Labs like it was befour. With GLaDOS an Atlas an P-BODY died from last time now we cold have peace at last. Then some weerd noises started to come out of the walls lick something was climbin in im. The wall boomed up an a the scarryest thing ever came out it was... CHELL AN GLaDOS FUSIONED. **(To be fair, the mental image of GLaDOS as Chell's butt does sound horrifying.)**

"Hahaha Marrissa you didt make sure I was realy dead. Now I have fused with Chell an she is the body an I am the brane an butt (Becos shes a a**!)" **(Look, just say it. The only time you bleep is for comedic purposes. Otherwise you sound like a moron.)** Chell was all covered with robothings an wiers with GlaDOSs head were her booty was an sum tubes in Chell face. "Buggering wanker shes gone mad!" **(Um, so what else can I get ya'll as an apology. Maybe I can try to speed up Season 4 of Sherlock.)**

Wheatly cried. CHELLGAODS lolled an opened a door from the wall an guess who stepped oot... ATLAS AN P-BODY bu something was diffrent about P-Body. She had a big bumpy thing in her robot place.

"Atlas you b**** you madded me preganent now I cant drink or smoke drugs!" P-Body was soo mad soundin but Atlas said "Well you sholda thot about that befour we-" **(A PSA remember kids even robots should use protection. Even though they don't have****genitalia****. Or eggs. Or Sperm.)**

"SHUT UP YOU TO AN KILL MARRISSA!" CHELLGaDOS interoperated, they looked mean at me but I was fed up with all this an just shot my power blast at them an Atlas an P-Body bloomed up. "Oh dear god save the queen its some bloody toobs!" Wheatly pointed up with eye an I look up an saw that toobs made Atlas an P-Body a gain!

"Ever time you kill them I can just rebuild LOL" **(Also, they die as much as Jack Harkness.) **CHELLGaDOS said really loud. I did a doble jump **(How? Why? You can fly.)** an grabed the toob, stuffin Wheatly in my jumpsuit so he was happy becos my chests were so big an squishy. **(Ok. Wheatley is roughly 2/3 the size of a companion cube.. I'm sorry, about the mistake earlier; I'm making an estimate. Ok there is no way he could fit in her boob without her falling forward.)**

I climed up the toob an entered the walls behind. All the wierd drawings was there sayin stuff like "The cake is lie" an things. There was only one person hoo cold stop CHELLGaDOS... RATMAN!

I had to find him usin my detective powers so I used them an saw that Rtaman had writed this stuff about 10 AM so the trale was still hot. **(So what time was it.)** I ran thru the air ducks dodgin fans an cleaner robots that keeped sayin I was soo pretty an asking me to date them so Wheatly said "F*** OFF YOU BLOODY BURGERS!" An they stopped makin words. There was a crumbly sound an I looked back, CHELLGaDOS was followin me thru the ducks!

"YOU CANNOT ESKAPE ME THIS TIME MARRISSA YOU WILL FINALLY DYE FOR STOPING ME FROM SEWISIDING AN BREAKIN MY TESTS!" **(I WILL GIVE YOU PINK HAIR AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.)** She was soo mad that she punched alls the way thrur part of the air duck an made Chells hand all bloody an bone. "YEOOUCH!" CHELLGaDOS yelled forgettin she was Chell an GlaDOS now so both feeled the same hurt. I lolled at them an sprinted way with my lung fall boots.

The air duck collapsed so it was a good thing my long boobs cold brake the fall. "Its a good thing we finally meet at last, Marrissa." A strange lookin guy with thin an labcoat that was like cape say. "I am Ratman I fight a gainst the bad robots lick CHELLGaDOS an now we can teem up. Heer take this weapon its like GLaDOSs diskourage lazer beams but a gun." **(A lazer gun? That's clever.)** I lolled at him an esplained "I dont need weapons I have cool powers instead." An I went all glowy an electric an Ratman got a "dude WTF" look on his feces.

He got two of the lazer guns an put them on an said "Alrite Marrissa lets get ready to fight an kill CHELLGaDOS once an four all!" But I got kinna nervos becos then I wold have to kill my retorded sister an mom together too... **(That didn't stop you from killing them before.)**

TO BE CONTINUED!

SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT BUT THE NEXT ONE IS THE BIG FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN MARRISSA AN CHELLGADOS OR IS IT? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!


	12. Space Balls

AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS? IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY **(I know right. I used to love it when people licked my stories.)** LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW!

PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER! **(No. No it really doesn't.)**

Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be. Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader. **(Can't he plug himself into things. And, he's still in your cleavage. Now are you going through the air ducts.)** We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff! **(Huh. Now that I think about it, the game would have been cooler if the turrets could walk around. Then again, I do like the idea of winning the game.)** "INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had.

"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you." Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!" **(YOU WILL CHANGE THESE WHITE SHIRTS TO PURPLE AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!)**

CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case. She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure.

But Ratman gotted up! "Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores! "IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" **(Ok, that is incredibly stupid and gross. But the mental image is freaking hilarious. Does anyone know of some fan art of that?)** (Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny)

The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles. **(Oh, so his man things were tentacles?)** "Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.

"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. **(Is he just yelling as he says this. Why is Marrissa not helping.)**"

I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!" CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words. "Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys. But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" **(How did that happen.)** Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died.

Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! "Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!" I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol. **(Why is there an lol? You laughed out loud at the memory of killing your brain damaged sister. What the crap.)** "But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister **(That didn't stop you before.)** there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither.

"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!" I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! **(It wasn't his fault. He made it to be a heredity trait..)**

I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY! **(Swiggity Swead They ain't dead.)**

"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah! We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole.

"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell. **(I won't even bother.)** Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..." An she dyed in my arms. "Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad.

I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me. "LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head. "Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died. **(Hallelujah thank you Jesus.)**

TO BE CONTINUED?

OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED! CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN? **(They exist.)**


	13. Ass-i-ram

AN OMG I GOT 102 REVIEWS EVEN IF THERE MOSTLY DUM FLAMERZ THATS STILL PRETTY GOOOD FOR A FIRS STORY! **(It actually is.)** ALSO THANK RAI AN APE SOME THING BECOS THEY GAVED ME SOME REALY COOL IDEAS FOR THE NEW CHAPTERS!

PS MARRISSA DIED THAT PROOVES SHES NOT A MARRY SUE OK! **(No, it really doesn't especially if she resurrects later.)**

PPS THIS HCAPTER IS FROM WHEATLY POV

This was the most bloody terribel thing ever. Marrisser was died with a gun shoot to her soddin head an blood an branes were all over ever were. I gared at Atlas an P-Body hoo killed the one thing I loafed an shouted "YOU BLOODY BUGGERS IM GONNA WANK YOU!" **(You really don't know what that means do you.)** But I didnt have arms so i cold not hurt them but I sooooooo mad they ranned off any way. Bloody sods. "Marrissa why didnt I was able to safe you! IM SOOOOO SORRY!" An I cried bloody bukets of robottears. It was the end an I thot a bout commitin sewiside like GLaDOS did when a turrent came up to me.

"GO HEAD AN BLOW ME SODDING BLOODY BRANES OUT SO I CAN BE AT PIECE!" **(Yeah, I though Wheatley was bulletproof.)** I yelled loud at the turrent. "No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent an I no how to make Marrissa alife!" **(Resurrection? Check)** No bloody way I o-mouthed in all the shock. "How can she life wen her hed sodding exploded?" I britished **(Um, ok, I have it. I need to give you all clones of Benedict Cummberbatch.)** at him for tryin a get my hopes up. "Rember that she has the speshal powers, one of them is that wen she eats the zombee taters instead of become a zombee wen she dies she just becomes alife a gain!" **(Since when?)**

It all made sense, **(How?)** the turrent was a bloody geinus! "Common lets wankin go!"

The Oracle Turrent ranned fast an I rolled on my rale right to the zombee taters quikly we grabbed up all of them an got back to Marrissa body. I coldnt help but cry at the site of my troo love with head all open an messy. "Its ok Wheatly soon she will life!" The turrent made me more happy an we started stuffin the buggerin taters in Marrissas mouth. Then she started coffin an all the blood was got healed. "W Wheetly?" She asked in the most butiful voice in the hole portal worled.

"Oh Marrissa I thot you were bloody gone for wankin ever!" We hugged an kissed an things was gettin hot an heavy so the Oracle Turrent left becos he didant want to see that kinna stuff.

MEANWHILE IN THE PAST

Teen Fortress 2 was MAD an PEEVED at Gabe Jonson an his dotter Marrissa Roberts for killin there leader Cave Jonson. **(So it this the evil one or?)** They wanted ervange speshally on Marrissa sinse with out her Gabe wold not have been a hard fight.

"We shold right a mean things on her facebook page!" **(I thought we were done with this joke.) **The evil Heavy dummed. "No you idot this is the past facebook isnt invented yet!" The evil Medik extricated. All of em was angry but coldnt thing of a way to revenge Marrissa when the evil Ingineer got a idea. "I no! We will create an evil clone of Marrissa an send it to the futur an kill her!" It was a good plan.

After school the teen fortress all gotted together at evil Ingineers hose an builded the clone mashine. "But we dont have dna evidance?" Evil Sniper said in sexay british aksent. But the evil spy lolled an pulled out some thing. "I stolled some of her hare just in case we needed it for some thing." He frenched an gave evil Ingine the hare an they started to clone Marrissa. A few mins later the clonin was done an a gurl stepped out hoo looked kinna like Marrissa but more evil an mean with angry face.

"I am Assiram **(Assiram. Ass-i-ram. Somehow, I doubt that was by accident.)** Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! CAN MARRISSA STOPS HER EVIL CLOWN? **(I don't know if that was a typo or no.)** FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ITS MY LIFE|!


	14. Only evil people curse

AN WHAT IS EVER ONE SAYIN A BOUT WANKER AN WANK? I THOT THEY WERE BRITISH INSULT WORDS AN NOW PEPOLE ARE SAYIN THERE NOTTY STUFF? **(Well, they are insults, but you where using them wrong.)** OMG!

PS THIS CHAP IS IN TH EPAST SO ITS THIRD PERSONAL.

"I am Assirram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!" **(But first, to the court house. I want a name change.) **The evil clone said to Teen Fortress 2 who happied. "Wate! How can we be shure that shes evil enouf to really kill her?" The evil Solder questoned. "We will do a test to make sure shes reel evil." **(What kind of test is that.)** The evil Ingineer answered becos he was the boss of there plan. "Assirram you must do an evil thing to proove yur abilities." He ordered an Assirram nodded with a "im gonna kill some body" look on her feces. "Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!" Assirram said (she seys a lot of cusses becos shes really evil) **(I don't curse in my stories but I'm like a sailor in real life. Does that make me evil.)** an did a evil LOL.

Assirram gotted out of the evil Ingineers hose an started lookin for a victum when she seed Gabe Jonsons house. "I herd he changed his name to CAVE JONSON affer are leader his ded brother so Ill do evil to hiim!" She thot with evil thots. Insid Gabe Jonson an his frend Ratman was buildin a robot body for Caroline an it was almost done. "Compleet! Now we jus have to turn in on." Ratman siensed so CAVE flipped das switch an the robot mashine started movin an look round. "Gabe is that you?" **(Then they had to shut her of because she tried to kill them.)** Caroline asked? "Yes Carlion I have builted a rbot body for you it is called GLaDOS also I changed my name to CAVE in onor of my head brother."

Ratman started to leaf becos this was a privat family moment. As we walked to the door he seed a girl outsid that was hot an pretty but kinna mean lookin.

"Ah this must be Caves future dotter Marrissa Roberts!" Ratman said out lowd an let her in but it wasnt Marrissa it was... ASSIRRAM! Assirram **(That name couldn't have been by accident.)** walked thru the halls an got to the GLaDOS robot an Cabe Jonson hoo were makin out. "I hope Im not interruptin any thing lol" Assirram lolled so Gave an Caroloin an Cave stopped kissin an looked an saw Assirram. "Marrissa are dotter you returned for a visit!" They both exclamation with happy. "Yep an I see you made Caroline a new robot bod." Assirram smied becos her plan was workin an they didant notice that she wasnt Marrissa. "Ill leaf you to alone for some mother dotter bondin time ok?" An Gabe went to go talk to Ratman.

Caroline was soooo happy that Marrissa was back she thot when Assirram started smilin all evil like a bad clown or the Joker an then... SHE PUT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN CARALINE! "No!" GLaDOS screemed as the virus started to turns her evil. **(Didn't she have an ani-viral software?)** "Why wold you do this Marrissa?/!" Gabe Jonson yelled from the windo. She lolled meanly an said "I am not Marrissa I AM ASSRAM!" An then Caraline turned full evil into GLaDOS. "NOW I AM EVIL AN I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE NEROTOKSIN!" Befour the cold do any thing Assirram went gone back to the evil Ingineers house. Gabe screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" An he screemed it really lowd.

The evil Teen Fortes 2 was watchin the hole thing on there tv camra (but it was black an wite becos its the past so they coldnt see the nerotoksin becos it was green an not black or white so it didant show up). **(That's not what a black and white camera does.)** Assirram came in from the door an all were cheerin at her. "You are reelly evil Assirram the plan will work!" The evil Ingineer congradulationed. "Indeed im so evil that Im gonna betray you!" An she pulled out a mashine gun an started to shoot up the evil Teen Fortress 2 becos she was just THAT MEEN!

Then Assirram seed the nettle that gived you powers lick Marrisssas so she injekted it into arm an alls went glowy an electric. "Now I have POWERS so I can kill Marrissa an her dumb robot ball boyfrend **(Didn't she already have powers.)** to an maybe take over the hole world!" She lolled with the most evil ever. But then she realized... how wold she get to the future with the evil Teen Fortress 2 died?

"Ill just make the good Teen Fortress force me to make a time mashine an maybe kill them after words."**(So you'll make them force YOU to make it.)**

She thot smartly but it was a evil smartly like a mad sientist. Assirram used the fly power to fly to school were Gave Jonson an Ratman were givin Teen Tortes 2 the down lo. "An then the evil clone putted a comuter virus in GLaDOS an she turnsed evil!" Gabe was cryin wile Ratman gaved him tishyous. Assirram flewed out to them at Portal High School an used her powers to makea glowy gun like in Green Latern (that movie was dum but he had cool powers I think Marrissa will have them to). **(That was shameless.)** "Built me a time mashine or Ill kill you all!" Assirram ponted the gun at Cave Jonsons head an coked the trigger.

"OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!" The Ingineer screemed an they worked fast to build the time mashine.

Assirram got itn an prepared to go to the future. "Marrissa will stop you you cant win!" Cave Jonson said but Assirram just lolled an turned on the time mashine an flash bang boom she was gone to the future. "Marrissa has to powerful enouf to stop her shes the worlds only hope!" Ratman said with brave an they all nodded.

TO BE CONTINUED!

I GOT A REVIEW SAYIN I WAS JUMPIN THE SHARK (ITS A TV WORD) AN I AM KINNA RUNNIN OUT OF IDEAS SO I THINK ONSE MARRISSA FIGHTS ASSIRRAM ILL END THE STORY BUT IT WILL BE THE MOST EPIC AN ENTENSE END YET SO MAYBE THE LAST ONE WILL BE CHAPTER 20? **(Hun, as long as the story ends, I'm game.)** FIND OUT!


	15. That baby is probably dead by now

AN YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOO MEAN IM GETTIN ALMOST ALL FLAMEZ IF NOT FOR BUSINESS GUY WITH HIS FAN ART **(I am legit interested in seeing that.)** AN SEFERAL AN CAT WORLD WITH HER AWDIO BOOK READINS SO BLIND PEPOLE CAN HEAR THE STORY AN ALL THE OTHER GOOD REVIEWS I WOLD GIVE UP!

MAYBE MY STORY IS JUMPE THE SHARK SO ILL END IT SOON.

PS THIS CHAPTRE TAKES PLACE AT THE SAME TIM AS CHAPTER 14

I was a life a gain an was soooo happy becos Wheatly saved me. He was the best boyfrend a girl cold ever have in the hole world. "Oh Wheatly I love you sooooo much." I telled him an Wheatly blushed an was kind a nervos. **(How did he blush?)** "Aww it was no thing Marrissa Im just bloody glad yur ok." I hugged my robot ball an we were both the happiest ever. "Marrissa theres some thing I need to ask you..." Wheatly said blushin. "'Will you merry me?" I o-mouthed an yelled "OMG OF CORSE WHEATLY!" An then I kissed him harder than I ever did befour an it made him go sparks.

After we were done kissin I rembered why all this happened... ATLAS AN P-BODY SHOTTED ME! They needed to be brot to judgement so I scowled an punched hands to gether. "Marrissa whats wrong oh yeah we need to bloody get back at those buggers Altas an P-Body!" I nodded an we got up to look for them. My powers were glowin like crazy round me with sparks and lighting, Wheatly was on his rale makin growls an sayin stuff to encorage me like "You can bloody do it Marrissa. Wank (TURNS OT IT REALLY IS A BRITSULT) **(It is. However. "Wanker" is an insult. "Wank" is another word for fap.)** them good!" We followed a trale of drugs beer an playboy mags to there layer.

Some turrents that they got workin for them tried to shoot me up but I wasnt gonna fall for that a gain an had my shields at full power so the bullets bownced off me an hit them an they died.

Just lick I ekspected those two JERK ROBOTS were smokin drugs an drinkin beer (P-Body had a abortion becos shes a jerk an isnt pro-life the b**** **(Ok stop. being pro-choice isn't bad. Pro-choice means you believe a woman should have the right to choose.)**).

"Well well weel **(Welcome to my lair.**)if it isnt the biggest jerks ever." I said an Atlas an P-Body looked at me an o-mouthed an got OH F*** looks on there feces. "How are you alife we shot in the head an blood an branes were ever where!" Atlas shocked an I lolled. "You jerks forgot the greatest power off all: TRUE LOVE!" An I fired a beem that made them start to glow an smoke (but not drug smoke sinse this hurt them). **(Drug smoke does hurt. That's what second-hand smoking is.)** "You b**** what are you doin to us?" P-Body asked scarred but I didant listen and kept powerin up until BOOM BOOM BOOM they exploded.

"Thats end of Atlas an P-Body I said" Wheatly cheered an said "Good bloody riddanse!" to. **(They'll be back.)** I herd a clickclak noise an it was... THE ORACLE TURRENT! "Did some body need to get merried?" He asked lolling an me an Wheatly nodded with heads. "Wheatly do you take Marrissa Roberts to be yur lawful merried wife?" "I bloody do!" "Marrisser do you take Wheatly to be yur lawful merried hubby?" "I do so much I ove you Wheatly!" "Then by the powar bested in me I pronouns you man an wife!" Wheatly an I kissed an the Orca Turrent shot confedi at us. Then we runned to one of the dorm places wich had a big bed with rose pedals on it.

"Now its time for are honeyman!" Wheatly happied an... (NO IM NOT WRITIN THAT YOU PERVS USE YUR IMAGINE) **(Mainly because you don't want us to think about how a metal sphere and a human can frick frack.)**

We didant notice at the time but a portal happened in the place where GLaDOS used to be befour I killed her in the final battle. A gurl stepped out hoo was lick me but less hot an pretty an more evil. "Now I can kill Marrissa Roberts an take over the world!" Assirram lolled evily!

TO BE CONTINUED!

OK GUYS I THINK THE NEXT CHAPPER MIGHT BE THE LAST ONE OR MAYBE THERELL BE AN EPILOG TO FIND OUT NEXT TIME!


	16. But, wait, there's more

AN: Allrite guys here is is! The final chapter **(Thank God.)** with most entense action an epic stuff in the hole story which will make all the flamerz an trolls sad that they killed SUCH A GOD STORY!

CHAPTER 16: SHOWDOWN THRODOWN

After lick 12 weeks Wheatly an I finished are honeymoom an left the relax place **(Your honeymoon was three months in the relaxation chamber?)** but as I opened door turrents was outside an shootin at us! "Bloody hell those sods are wankin us!" **(You till aren't using that right.)** I ran fast lick the scot in Meet the Scot so the bullets coldnt hit me an Wheatly was robot so they didant hurt him.

Once I was ot of there range I used my powers to make a gun like in Green Lanturn an shooted them all over. The turrents screemed lick a screemin **(This is redundantly, redundant.)** thing that screems an they died. "What bloody bugger sended turrents to soddin kill us now? I thot we killed alls the bad guys Marrissa!1" Wheatly questioned. I thot hard with my detective powers but it was to tuff. "We must serch for cloos." I decided an we followed the turrents trale.

We didnt see no thing for a while but then I herd a nose! Wheatly an I creeped up slowly to the mane room where GLaDOS was befour she died for real an I saw... ASSIRRAM! (Ekspet I didant no she was Assirram yet becos we hadnt met befour). **(You KNOW what that sounds like.) **"Oh my god save the queen Marrissa she looks lick you but less hot an pretty an more evil!" This was bad news an she was makin more turrents an even worse she had the prototip portal gun!

"Hahahaha! Now with the prototip portal gun I can make a portal to Andord Hell an let all the zomboys insid from when Atlas an P-Body throwed taters in there come out!" **(No. You clearly stated that no zombies are in android hell.)** Assirram goated an shoot portal onto the wall. A bunch of zombies lick from Reisdent Evil an zombee robots came out lookin for me to kill becos we had un finished buziness. Assirram had to be stoped befour she cold make more bad guys or she wold take over the hole world!

Wheatly got really scarred an said "Marrissa this is serios! That bloody wanker is makin a monster army an if you dont stop her quick shell bloody kills us all!" **(Ok, I got this. So far we'll have a package containing an apology letter, cookies, tea, speeding up Sherlock season 4, a Benidict Cummberbatch clone, a David Tennant clone and finally, a TARDIS. Is that enough?)**

Thins was lookin bad there was no way I cold fite all those guyz an some gurls to. Then a big TV happened an it showed Assirram's turrent an zombee armee killin all the city of Englond! "Bloody no! There killin the queen!" Wheatly britished **(Ok, I'll throw in the Doctor.)** but it was too lowd an Assirram herd him!

"Ah so you have finally arrived my good twine." Assirram lolled with evil. **(Yes, I'm making charm bracelets. I require the good twine.)**

"Hoo are you an why do you look lick me but less hot an pretty an more evil?" I yelled with angry. "I am an evil clone made to kill you Marrissa Roberts an take over the werld!" **(Of Course.)** I o-mouthed becos it all made sense. "An sinse you was too bissy DOIN SEX with yur dum robot ball hubby I builted a supreem armee an now not even you can stop me from destorying ever thing!" **(So let me get this straight. While our heros were on there honey moon Assirram took advantage of that and started to do crap. Excellent Idea.)**

Assirram let out the most evil LOL I ever herd. "Oh way well well just see a bout that!" An I used my powers to make a sheeld an a cannon like on a pirate ship but smaller so I cold use it lick a gun. **(Awesome.)**

BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM the cannon said as I fired it an dust wents every where. But wen the dust cleared... ASSIRRAM AN THE ARMEE WAS STILL THERE WITH A SHEELDS!" I wold have to play it old school to stop them so I ran fast an did a spinnin jump kick which nocked some zombees heads off. More zombees got up an put turrents on there heads to shoot an run at both **(Wow. A hilarious mental image.)** an charged me so I jumped in the are an used my powers to make a anvil the zombees got "OH SH**!" looks on there feces an the anvil droped down and made them go skwish.

"Verry god Marrissa but will you fight so well when I kill... yur hubsand!" Befour I cold even o-mouth Assirram went charge at Wheatly with all the hate in her eyes an a big punch reddy to brake him into teeny weeny pieces.

But... WHEATLY USED HIS FLASHLITE AND BLINDED ASSIRRAM! **(It's super effective.)** "Little Wheatly is a powerful bad arse now becos I have THE POWAR OF LOVE!" An he jumped off the rale an landed on Assirrams head an gave her a huge booboo. "GRRRRRR YULL PAY FOR THAT YOU B****!" Assirram meaned but some one got behind her with super speed an hit her in face with a crowbar! The guy lolled an I an Assirram both o-mouthed.

"I am GORDON FREEMAN!" He said an hit Assirram a gain but this time she had a sheild. "Gordon what are you doin here?" I asked with shock an aww.

"I was fightin the bad guys from half life (sorry I never played Halflife so I dont no much a bout it) **(I don't play it either. I did a Google search. They are called headcrabs. Why didn't you do a quick 2 minute Google search?)** when a boom happened so I investigated an saw all these bad guys an I looked like you needed some help lol." Gordon punched thru some zombees while I riped the turrents off there heads. Wheatly growled a bunch to make us more mad an meen.

We had killed like three hundurd (movie refrence lol) **(That is a bad reference for example even I can do better**

**Marrissa: Hello**

**Me: You are terrible**

**Marrissa: This is madness**

**Me: THIS. IS. FANFICTION. *kicks her into android hell.*)** of the bad guys but the portal was still open an more was commin out.

Two zombees shot gunz at me but I grabbed bullets an throwed them back to headshot those! Next the big zombee with rocket launchers from Reisdent Evil came out an it was the boss fight! "Now you will dye for sure **(Turn the "for sure" into a bright pink.)**

Marrissa an Gordon Freeman an Wheatly no one can stop the biggest zomboy ever!" Assirram crackled. Ultimate Zombee used his portal gun to open ano portal to Androod Hell an Gordon Fellman in! The other zombees down there tore him into to halfs an he died. "No! Gorden!" His wife Alex What Ever cried. She coldnt live with out her solmate so she did sewised with her sord lick the Japanese. **(That was random.)**

"Bloody hell they wont stop comin!" Wheatly yelled as more zombees entere the place. The boss zombee taked out his rocket launcher an shotted at me it was sooooooo strong that it brake my sheild an blew me up but the sheed took most off the blast so I was only hurt a little. He tried shoot another bom but I was reddy this time an started runnin really fast until I WAS BEHIND HIM! Then I climed up is back an made a nife an braned him. The ultimate zombee died an Assirram o-mouthed witha "OMFG" look on her dum feces. "No one never killed him befour you are a worthy opponete."

This was it, are final showdown. All the zombees an turrents stoped fightin to watch the big battle. Assirram stepped towars me with a portal gun so made one withh my powers. This woldnt be a nomral battle it wold be... a portal battle! Assirram made the first portal it was the land of dinosaurs so we fot over a big volcano but a trex eated Assirram **(What?)** so I was happy but Assirram explodd out of the trexs tummy gettin blood an branes every where. Then she roundhose kicked me lick Chuck Norris **(What?)** but I made a new portal and we fell into space. We was on the Death Star an Dark Vader was there. "OMG!" Dark Vader OMGed so I punched his face off an turned out he was really... ASSIRRAM! **(WHAT?)** "Did you really thot Id fall for that trick?" I said lolling.

Then both made another portal an this one taked us to Portal High School where Gabe/Cave Jonson Rat Man an Teen Fortress 2 had lots of weapons an cannons an Rat Man still had the space core an rick core for balls so he coldint be crotch-punched. **(Wait isn't this like past them? The cores haven't been invented yet) ** "Dont worry Marrissa were heer for backup!" They all said really lowd. "No guys this is my fight go thru that portal an kill all the zombees an turrents instead!" So they did. The battle was epic butt I was to bissy fighting Assirram to watch an see. Assirram looked realy mad an assirammed me in stomach where my robot ball/humon baby was!

"NOOOOOOOOO!" I screemed with mad at the abortion of my babby. **(You know, with the stuff you've been doing. He was most likely dead long ago. Also the baby bump was most likely fat or some sort of parasite considering there is no way that a robot ball could get you pregnant.)** "This is the final straw Assirram no more fighting only KILL!" My hole body glowed brite gold an there was a huge boom an Assirram becomed a skelton. Then the skelton died. I was soo tired from the fight an power up that I felled down an past ot.

Wen I waked up I was in the Mediks doktor room with lots of toobs an IVs an stuff in me. "

Oh Marrissa thank bloody god save the queen yur allrite!" Wheatly cried an hugged me which was hard for him to do becos he was a robot ball an didant have arms. "Also theres something wankin important you need to no!" I smied sadly an sad "I no Wheatly, Assirram aborted are baby with punch." An I cried some more. "No lol shes alife!" An the Medik came in with a little robot ball/human baby gurl smilin he said "It was a MIRAKLE!" **(What would that even look like?)**

The Medik gaved me my baby an I looked into her feces an felt happiest ever. "What shold me name her?" Wheatly asked. "Her named will be Chell in onor of my dead sister!" I said an every one thot it was a good idea. A few moths later I was all heeled up an ready for me Wheatly an Chell to go back home to Portal Labs.

Befour we did the President was there an congradulated me for savin the world an gave me, Wheatly, Gabe Jonson, Rat Man an all of Teen Fortress 2 metals.

He also taked Atlass dead robot body an put Wheatly in it so he cold walk an change Chells dippers. "Goodbye my Dotter an Grandotter an son in law Wheatly." Cave Jonson said an hugged me. "Marrissa if yur mom cold see you now an wasnt a evil robot computer she wold be sooooo proud." I smiled with tears in eyes an me an Wheatly an baby Chell went thru the portal back to Portal Labs for the last time. It was crazy, but ITS MY LIFE!

EPILOG

Meenwhile in space a black hole opened an shooted GLaDOSs peaces out. "Haha I am still alife now I can get my true revenge on Marrissa Roberts!" Then the zombies from Dead Space was there an GLaDOS got a "OH F***!" look on her feces an the zombees ate her an she died.

THE END

**(It's finally over yay.)**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

It's...finally...over...yay. A girl typed from her room. She was wearing a pair of Garfield pajamas that where slightly to big for her and red slippers.

"Done and Done" she said. She had gotten through this horrible story.

"I don't have anything else to do!" The girl smiled, "I don't read hunger games, so I don't have to do the Marrissa Games and I haven't played Team Fortress 2"

Then she noticed a something on the Archive of Our Own page she was getting this fic from.

"ADVENTURES OFF MARRISSA ROBERTS?" she said aloud. What a typo.

As she scrolled down to the bottom she discovered another fic. One she hadn't seen before.

"HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE" she said in fear.

"You mean, I have more to deal with without a valid reason on why not?"

Sure she hadn't read the books but she'd heard enough from her friends that she knew what was going on.

"You're not out of hot water yet Luna" the girl said.

She was going to need a lot more pomegranate tea.


	17. Guess Who's Back

**Hello Lunaites...no...not a good name to call my fans? Eh, I'm working on it. So remember like 1000 years ago when I said I would commentate this stinker. Well, guess who's back. Right, so I'm going to get started. I'm going to be putting this with the portal story that's a prequel you know, IML. So, um...if you feel I should move this the the HP archive or the HPxPortal archive. Let me know. So...is it too obvious that I'm procrastinating so I don't have to deal with it. Better face the music. Let's begin.**

Hey GUYS GIRLS AN OTHER THINGS **(While it is a bit nice to see you including the non-binary, don't you mean other people?)** I thot I was retried **(I was hoping you where. Darn my curiosity.)** but then just yesturday I had in ideeea that was to good to sit on! I thot bout how the story of Marrissa Roberts was fully telled but then I rembered how I never explained the backstory plots of Wheatly an Jenny Weesley an Gale from when the killed Mr. Sanpe in **(Oh God NO)** TEEN FORTRESS 2 an realized there was A HOLE UNTOLD STORY TO TELL.

SO HERE IT IS!

EXPEREENCE THE UNTOLD STORY! **(It should've remained untold.)**

Chapter 1: DEPTHLY HOLLOWS

PS I NEVER RAED THE BOOKS AN ONLY SAW MOVIES OF 3 (THE TIME MASHNE 1 **(The Prisoners of Azkaban. The only reason I know much about HP is that my best friend talked about it constantly. No really. If I get anything wrong in my critique, do correct me.)** AN DEPTHLY HOLLOS 1 AND 2 **(Deathly Hollows)**) SO I MIGTH GET SOME STUFF WRONG OKAY?

**HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!**

**Chapter 1: DEPTHLY HOLLOWS**

Hi my name is Hatty **(The female version of Harry Potter)** Potter an I live in Hogwurts **(No...you live at Number 4 Privet Drive)** in British England **(Ok, first of all Isn't Hogwarts in Scotland. Also British England? As opposed to what? American England?)** a school of magical magic. **(Yeah, as opposed no Non-Magical magic.)**

I haf a litening bolt scare **(I "haf" a headache.)** on my fourhead from wen I was a babby an bad guys killed me mum an dad (AN: That's more brit talk). **(Oh Um...hey everyone in Britain. How would you like aph England from hetalia?)** I was the choosen one to stop a evil dude named VLODMORT he was the baddest ever. **(VLODMORT is even worse than Voldemort.)**

Rite now my BBFs fourever Jenny, **(GINNY)** Hemoany **(HERMIONE)** an Ron ranned up to me with battal anger from the fiting. "Harry you soddin bollock!" Ron britished into my face. **(Um, what would you find a proper apology.)** "Lots a DETH DEALERS **(Now, while she most likely meant "Death Eaters" I'm going to assume that says "Meth Dealers" seeing as that makes more sense.)** an monsters is comin we are all most overruned!" He derp faced **(So his eyes randomly went in different directions.)** at how we wood beet the big odds.

I miled with the happy. "Its okie dokies blokes, **(Not gonna lie, I kinda want to hear Daniel Radcliff say that.)** I alsready fownd the last horcox **(No...Neville killed Nagini. Harry was busy no being dead.) **an killed Voldermrtr so its all bloody good!"

"NUH UH!" Screemed Herman with yells. "THERES STILL THE BACKUP COMIN RITE NOW!" **(No. I'm pretty sure they would be smart enough to run at that point.)**

I o-mouthed **(Not that phrase again.)** as I saw a ton a Death Dealas comin up at us to revenge Voldernts kill. Jenny said with gingerine sweet to me "U has to stopped them Harry Ive got a speshal reward for you Harry after words winkwink." I o-mouthed again but this time it was happy so I gut my wand to say

"EXPECTO PETROLEUM!" But no thing happened an the dealers lolled at us becos I was soo tired form the fite **(Ok, even if you did say the incantation correctly a partonus would do no good unless the Death Eaters are dementors. Secondly, what you said translated to "I await petroleum" I don't know how an oil slick would help you in any way, shape, or form.)** I cudant magic at them.

Then I saw a pointy stick at the ground and piked it up. "I can use it as a speer1" I troughed the speer an it **(And so Harry Potter killed all the death eaters...with a sharpened stick...they really are meth dealers...aren't they.)** went into the 1st Death Dealsers face an out his brain an it got brain and blood on the others an the brains had prions in tehem so they got reel sick an died to. **(All in a matter of 30, 40 seconds.)**

"GOOD BLODDY JOB HARRY POTTER U BLOOD WANKED EM LIKE A PRO! **(Ok, she either still doesn't know what that word means or she knows exactly what it means. Either way, the context of that sentence is disturbing.) **2111 **(Ok, I can understand how you may have hit "1" when trying to put an "!". How did you hit "2") **" Ever One screemed loud at me with cheers. Ront **(How in the name of Butterbeer did you misspell Ron?)** Jenngy **(Ginny)** and Hermoyn **(Hermione.)** lifted me up with shoulders I was waved at all the cheerin people cuse the day was saved! Or soo I thotts…

TWO MOUTHS LATER **(Approximately how long is one "mouth")**

Hogtwarts was rebuilted an things was back to proper normal. I was in teh cummon room wile Ron was off buggerin a wank. **(I do hope she stops using that word in that context.)** Thats wen the intercalm **(Since when does hogwarts even have an intercom.)** came on an said "HARRY POTTAR REPORT TO THE HEADMISTERS OFFACE RITE NOW!1`32" So I wet strate there.

Befour the fnial battle a creepy teacher named Snape killed principle Dumbldeore an got away **(No. Dumbly was killed a year before the final battle.)** but Velderent killed him good becos nobody licks a dobble crosser so we had a new headmasters. The new headmonster was a nice beard man named was Gobo Fraggle (AN: Hes not the Fraggle Rocks one hes parents just really licked the show wen they was kiddies). **(Ok no. I'm going to assume that Headmaster Fraggle is about, say, 80. Then I'll assume his parents where maybe, 30 when he was born. Seeing as the final battle happened in 1998, that means his parent would have had to watch the show around the 1890's. Also, how would their love of Fraggle Rock affect his last name.)**

CRUCHN said the door to Headmiser Fraggles orifice **(Uhhh. Moving on.** there was still lots of bones from dead death dealers an blood an guts becos that stuffs hard to cleen eve with magic. **(Ok, even if magic couldn't clean the blood, you couldn't vanish the bones? Or at the very least carry the bones away.)** Gobo was smoking a pipe of cannibals **(Does she mean Cannabis? As in Marijuana?)** so I scrutched my face at the bollucking drugs.

"Ah Harry mah Golden Boy" Gobo spuffed drug smoke all over me so I got MAD. But he did a magic so I woodant be angry. **(I'll have that's illegal 400.)** "Theres no time for that Harry Potato  
**(Ah yes. I remember those books.  
****Book 1: Harry Potato and the Philosophers Spud  
****Book 2: Harry Potato and the Chamber of Chips  
****Book 3: Harry Potato and the Prisoner of Idaho  
****Book 4: Harry Potato and the Goblet of Lays  
****Book 5: Harry Potato and the Order of the Fries  
****Book 6: Harry Potato and the Half-Baked Crisp  
****Book 7: Harry Potato and the Deathly Dips)**

I hane some noos."

"

Wot (AN BRITASH FOR WAT) **(I'm so, so sorry on behalf of my fellow Americans.)** are u talkin a bout Dumbledore **(Isn't this Gobo Fraggle?)** I thot we killed alls the bad guys?" I said confusion.

He got reel quite. Then loud. "SNAPE IS A LIFE!1222111112111"`111"

TO BE CONITUED!

WELL THAT WASANT TO MUCH A SHOKIN REVEEL SINS **(Sins. Describes this story.)** U ALSREDY NO THAT FROM THE TEEN TORTES 2 BU IT SETS TEH MOOD. NECKS TIME THERE ILL BE A SCARY INCOUNTER WIF SOME NEW CHARS!32 **(How in the name of Pita Bread did you type 3?)**


	18. It's GINNY not JENNY

WELCOMED BACK TO HARRY POTTRE AN THE KILL OF SNAP WERE MORRE WILL BE REVEELED ASLO YULL MEET SOME NEW CARS **(Does one of them run you over?)** IN THIS ONE U CAN LEARN MOER BOUT THEM IN BUSSINESS MANS STORY INFINITEY: A SPACE ODDITY ITS GOOD AN HAS KERBALS WICH I GUESS ARE LIKE THOSE FURBAL TOYS FORM THE TIME THEY CAME OWT THAT HAD SPY RECORDERS IN THEM.

SO ANYAY

**HATTY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!**

**CHAPTER 2: PLAINS TRAINS AN SEXXXY**

I o-muthed into disbleef it was unposable I had seed Snapes kill with my own eye's **(That sentence really, really frustrates me.) **!112~! "Im surry Harry said Gobo Fraggle" he did a trick evven Voldernt was fooled I think. **(Was it honey badger Anti-Venom?)** I pumped my fists on the table like crasy becos I was soo bloody wankin made.

"NSAPE MUST BE BROT TO JUDMENT!141!" **(How in the name of Tyler Oakley did you type 4?)** I pronunciated with most bullocky. **(What?)** Then door went open an Jenny Came In.

"Harry Potter wat are u doin here?" Jenny confused to me.

"Lol I cold ask you th esame thing." I lolled back.

"I half called both of u here for a import misshun." gOBO putted way his drug smoke pipe becos ust it was serios time. **(You know, I'm pretty sure at this point Harry has a contact Buzz.)** "Yur right Harry Snape m be brot to judgemens an it will be up to u 2 to do" he stop to lol a teeny bit at the good pun so we did too "it." **(There was no pun there. I mean, "you" and "do" rhyme but that doesn't qualify in any way as a pun.)**

Jenny looked to me with a frite in her lyes. "Ife hes that powerful ho cold we ever findate him?" She ased with smartly.

"Thats a good Q but we already trakked him down with onna are drones." **(I'm sorry, since when do wizards use modern technology?)** Gobo constituted.

I frond at his dum mistake. "Headmister Fraggler why dont we just kill with a drone strike then?" **(Finally, someone who makes sense.)** His drugging musta clooded his bran up like a druggy JERK. But he was das headmanager (WICH IS BRITISH FOR PINCIAL IF YUR CONFUSE) **(No, I don't think it is.)** so I coodant call him out.

Gobo Fraggle just lolled an leened back innis chair an smoked more cannibals. "LOL Harry Potter or shod I say Harry Dumpster **(Wow. Fraggle is high. Wasn't it serious time?)** we alsready tried that his magic is too strength we a need a seekrit attack."

I looked a Jenny in her face eyes an she looked at mines an we did a nod with are heads. "Allrite then he is traveled alls the way to from British England to American USA **(As apposed to Japanese England and Russia USA... those sound like Hetalia ships.)** an is under cocer as a teacher at PORTAL High School so yull go in under cover an beet him at his own game (AN: GEDDIT BECOS PORTAL IS GAME BUT HARRY PS NOT). **(What?)**

"U will both need to use yur strongth but Jenny will you make the final blow." He taked of a nife an handed gave it to Jenny "This nife is made of silver so it can kill werewolfs." **(Or you know, use actual magic. Sure, a silver knife would be effective, but Avada Kadavra or Sectumsempra would do they job alot quicker, which brings me to another question. When are they fighting werewolves? I mean, Lupin was one but he's a bit dead.)**

Jenny notted an put the nife in her chests becos laddies store stuffs there all the time **(How big are your boobs so that you can do that. And, to all the men out there. Most ladies don't hide anything in their clevage accept for maybe keys and/or money.)** so it woodant be suspishous for the to serch her bra. "So we get to Portal High Chool?"

Gobo taked more stuff from his pockts an gave me four tikts. "Theese are ticekts for the Hogwarts trane to the British Areport **(The train goes to King Cross Station.)** an tickets for there to a flite to Portal High School **(You expect me to believe they managed to get that crap past airport security. I mean, I know this takes place in 1998 and therefore before 9/11 but I don't think that airport security was that lax. Also, why don't they apparate?)** we most be low tech an magic so we dont alter Snape." It lall made sins **(You're right! It does make sins.)** so I agreed an put the tickets in my pockt cus Im a male guy so I dont ware a bra to put stuff in my chests with.

We sade by to Ron an Hermoiny but they was snoggin a make out (AN IN BRITISH THEY SNOGG FOR KISSIN FOR SOMERISIN ITS WEERD) **(I always thought that "snog" was a British way of saying "make out".)** those bloody wonks coodant wate for a few mins so we leeved anyway. But we wen we got the egg sit we saw somethin bad. It was… SNAPES 2 GOONS IGGY AND HUEY! **(So Iggy Azalea and Huey Newman work for Snape. Ok.) **1112211

"Oh bloody tea an crumpts its are 'old frendl' Harry Potpie an Jenny Worsely!" Trolled them with lollin. "Were u guys headund to anyway?"

"No off your biesness" I spitted like a cobra into theirs. "Now leeve the way you soddin gits or ill wank you up good21!" **(Good God In Heaven Why)** I said showin my wand that was all scarred from fightan Vloderernt an it went sparks to scare them.

Huey pooped a little but Iggy was more mean an brave so he taked a snow ball form his poket an crushed it on Jennys head with mean **(What?)** so I got REEL MAD now an shotted him with a magic bolt called crooshio that made him have a period an sins guys dont get those the bood cudant come out any were so it was fillin him all up with cramps. **(Wait, are you suggesting that "Crucio", the torture curse is in fact a spell that mimics period pain. I don't know how to feel about that.)** They ran a way but Iggy exploded into blood that got on Loopa an Ron an Hermanie but they was soo buys mackin out they didant notice and keept snugging. **(Why is this so morbid.)**

"Servers them rite," Jenny grumped Iggys period had gotten blood on her fav robe but it was okie dokie becos we wood sivillian close outside any way. **(Use Scorgify)** The snowall was still meltin on my head so I did a warm spell on Jenny to make it go way as we excited the front door.

Outside was more bad… Mr. Norris the jantor **(What is it with bad fanfics and having Ms. Norris the cat as the janitor.)** was glarin at us with his MoP ready for a combat fite!

"Wats all this then?" I britished at him.

"YOU CANNOT PASS ME TO FIGHT SNAPE I WONT LET U UN LESS YUR WORTAHY!12141" He said yellin with super lowd.

"Ut why?"

"I DNOT TRUST GOBO FRAGGLE HES A DRUGGY JERK SO IF HE THINSK YUR THE RITE OENS FOR THE JOB THAN YOU MUST BE UN WORTHY!1!" **(I've figured out whom I'm rooting for in this story.)** He yelled so much lots of foamy fome spit went all from his mounth and onto places.

"We are worthy your just trollin stupid" Genny said back more angry.

I nodded with a glare to make him fear me. Also wen Im angry my litening bolt scare gets brite an glowy ever sins I killed Voldernmourn. **(No. In fact, if anything, it would STOP glowing since all it's powers came from it being a Horcrux.)**

"THEN U MUST PROOVE URSELVES BY FITING ME IN KARATY1131!" He got into the pose of the marshal's arts but I dident have time the train wood leave soon.

I didant want to kill Mr. Norris because hes a good dude just misgutted so instead I used a spell that makes u have amneesha so he woodant no ho I am or Jenny. **(So, a squib who shows little to no threat acts annoying, so you Obliviate him.)**

"OH NO WERE AM I" He amneeshaed to us so Jenny lolled and went.

AN: IM SKIPPING THE WALK TO THE TRANE PART BECOS NOTHIN EXITING HAPPENED AN SOMETIEMS U HAVE TO SKIP THAT SSTUFF FOR THE GOOD STORY. **(No.)**

The train was mostly first yeers so made em cleen are shoes with there tunges becos were upper clansmen an its the Frist Yeers tradishun **(You're even more of a jerk than Malfoy. Or James Potter 90% of Lily/Snape fics.)** to do that. Sins Im the Boy Whos A Life we got first class with in train movie "Beevis an Butt Hole" **(...is that some sort of Porno Parody of Beevis and Butthead?)** (SINS ITS PAST TIMES SO IT WOOD STIL BE ON TV). We were lollin at the funny fun antacks of those but got boreded an turned it off later.

"Jenny Im boooored" I pouty voiced with hands on arms. Jenny smiled an stated up. "I no somethin we can do for time pass." Her rob fell of reveelin her gingry sweetness an I gropped her with love.

We musta been a little to loudly sins I looked up from the sexin an saw a bunch a first yeers watchin us thru the door open! Jenny saw dos an o-mouthed in horrer! I cudant let those first yeers see us humpin an pumpin like that so I taked out my time travail watch and went back into time. **(A bunch of 11 year olds say you making out so you used a Time Tuner...wait, I thought they where all destroyed.)**

Time went all slo mo to reversing an the first yeers leaved so it was all good. I was a bout to to turn it of wen I saw two creepy guys in the time streem a man an a women in suites with redful hare getting reel mad lookin at me. Then the cloak stoped an Jenny and I (THAT IS THE PROPER GRAMMER) were back to befour so we woodant get caught. **(Finally, the time police catches you.)**

MEENWHILE IN THE TIME STREEM:

"This will be a good ttest for yur abilities Skepness Man are aprentise," Britished the creepy mans an woman at the same time at onse. "Follows them an mak sure time goes the righter way." Skepness Man notted an put on his time mashine jet pack."

BACK INTO THE TRAIN STOP

CHEW CHEW **(Choo Choo)** said the train abs it landed at British Areport **(A train had a station in an airport. Why?)** in the city of Longdon Englind. Jenny an I got owt while kissin all lovely an I was touchin her bom for goose. The airplane port was full a other peole goin to around the world be we blended with the crowd good.

Ut then… A Gir yelled "HAI THAT'S HARPY POTTER!' Everyone o-mouthed "OMG HARRY PORTER!1122" A big crowd went round us an all the girls were flashin me to show off there gozongos an the gay guys were flashin me there man balls **(And no one got arrested for indecent exposure?.)** but I didant care for neither since my only had a eyes for Jenny. "We gotta gets you outta here Harry!" Jenny said grapin my arm.

The groopies an fan gurls kept comin so Jenny kicked a roundhouse at them to make thems fall over an die. **(One roundhouse kick doesn't kill that many people.)** "HES MINE YA PERVY SLOOTS!11!" She said lettin her gingery blood of Irish out. **(The Weasley's weren't Irish... at least I don't think they were.)**

"This is bad Harry if ever one keeps reocgnizing you then Snape will never be fool" She was worryin with scare. "We must change yur appear!"

"But how if use magic Snape will just un spell me?" I was worred and thinkin bout wat Mr. Norris said before I killed him that I wasant rite for the job. Jenny grabed my head to twist it so I cold see a store in the airport that said "Dr. Lettuce Plaster Sergery."

"That's IT! We can change my looks an name wither plaster surgery!" I said to me. Jenny said YEAH becos it solved all are probs easy.

I goed into inside the store inside the areport **(Since when are there Plastic Surgeons in an airport? I mean, a nail salon is one thing but a Plastic Surgeon?)** an Jenny was from behind we saw a counter with a mans a lady of redful hair an doctors close. "Cheerio" **(Isn't that a way of saying bye?)** They britished at the same time together.

Somethin was weerd here an I scratched my scratch chin in thot. They looked just lick the ones I sawed in the time streem but they wasnt wearin Dr. Close so I guess was just a coinside.

The lady came first. "I am Drs. Rosalad Lettuce an this is my brother Robert." Robot Lettuce did a wave from the conters behind.

Jenny was all bissness for this so took the rains. "Im Jenny Weesly and this is my fancy boy Harry Potter he needs sum plaster surgery to look more different so no none can recognize.

Rosilin thinked on it for a second. Robart was eatin a sandwich that didant have any manayse wich I thot was pretty creepy becos ever one likes manayse. "That's a easy do, common brother." Roslalond ordered. He had eated ¾ of the sandwich but had to stop.

"Dont wrry Jenny ill be rite back," I said an went thru the door with Rosalond. Robot took the q-sand an went after closin the door.

"All Right Wheatly thisll not hurt" Lettuced Robert.

"Huh?" I went who was Wheatly? Rosilian slipped her four head an growled.

"U idot that is to soon!"

"Sorry I forgot it was not then" He bushed an handed Roisland a cutter nife. Frnech music started playin. "It will calm the nervers." She say wile Rothbart anatheseaed me an I went uncosious. **(And then you died. You say your parents and they yelled at you for being a freaking idiot.)**

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

**WELL THAT SMORE EXITE DON'T YOU ALL THINK? NEXT TIME THEY GET TO AMERICAN USA OF AMERCA AN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL ALSO THERE WILL BE A SHOKIN ORIGIN REVEEL OF A FAN FAV CHAR!2111! FIND OUT NECKS TIME**


	19. I doubt airport security was that lax

ALRITE JUST IN TIME FOR HAPPY CHRISTMAS **(If this story was involved, it's in no way a happy Christmas.)** AN TH OSE OTHERS THAT ARE HARD TO SPELL **(Do you not have Google or some other sort of search engine? I mean, I was using Google alot for fact checking you. It's not that hard.) **HEERS THE NOO CHAPPYTER.

THE LAST CAHPTER WAS HARD TO RITE CAUSE OF ALL THE ROMANSE OF JEENY AN HARRY SINS HARY IS WHEATLY AN WHEATLHY BELONGS TO MARRISSA ONLEE!111! DONT WORRY THO JENNY ILL GET WHATS COMMON TO HER. **(What the...what did Jenny do wrong? Other than replace Ginny.)**

**HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!**

**CHAPTER 3: RIDE TO PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL**

I waked up in the Lettuce doctors room all gruggy an a sleep Jenny was there lookin nervos an saw me awake so she said "OMG Harry u gotta see yur new fase!"

Bobert Lettuce took a mirro form some were an heiled it up to me an I saw my tranfarm. I o-mouthed it was a compleet change I was nowo tall with blond hare an glasses an like nerd but no scar of litening an also a more diffrant voice. **(Plastic surgery can only change your basic facial structure. It can't change your hair color, height, or voice. Also, that was a curse scar. You can't get rid of them.)**

"Woah this is bloody unmazing yur a geinus of sod gits oh god save the queen!" **(You know, maybe I should make that framed picture [If understand this, then yes, I'm talking to you.] where should I send it.)** I britished in a amaze at there work.

"Thats why weer the best in the biss." Prouded Rosalalonde Lettuce with proud.

The sergery was done Jenny already paid wile I was bein in recovery. **(Ok no. Recovery from plastic surgery takes 3-6 days, not 3-6 minutes. Also, the actual surgery would take at least 3 or 4 hours.)** "Common Harry its almost time for are flite." I nodded a thanks to Drs. Lettuce and leaved with Jenny to the plane terminal.

Gobo Fraggle had wents all out an we had onest class seets with extra leg roam an features. Sexcurity wasant hard to by pass sins 911 didant happen yet so they didant have any. **(Ok, there still was airport security though. I really doubt you could get that gun on.)** We interned the plane an went to are seets.

There were 3 seets in a row an Jenny had the window seet an I had the middel an somone else had the edge row set. **(That's not first class. First class has, like single seats.)** I seated down an Jenny kissed my new cheek becos it was shiny an smoothe like baby fat becos I was bran new.

A other guy came to sit next to me. "Hi I'm a hobbit." **(Wow! What an excellent introduction. I haven't seen one this riveting since Iceland's introduction in Paint it White.) **The guy said he was... a hotttib!12

"Well Im Jenny Weesley" I said then after hjer I went to say my name but then I realized I coodant sins I was under cover.

I thinked for a min an rembered how the Robert Lettuce called me "Wheatly" so I said "My name is Wheatly" **(Why couldn't you still use Harry? Or if you had to change it, use something similar like Henry?)**

"Nice to met you" He tolkiened then the intercokmm happened.

"Hey passingers its yur captain Wittaker I just wanted to let u now my ldittle son Wip Wittaker wants to be a pilots when he grows up so Im lettin him fly the plain. **(Here, I would make a joke about the plane crashing in the Atlantic Ocean, but due to current events, I feel like that would be in bad taste.)** Dont worry Im being the co pilot to make sure its all gopod plus dont worry he learned from the best!"

The plone floated up in to the sky with take off so I went asleep.

Ours later I waked up with sumthin fooly round in my pants. I looked over an smiled at Jenny but she was eatin lemonade **(How do you EAT lemonade?)** wif her headfones on so who wads in my pants?

I looked down to there an saw... THE HOBBIT HAD HIS HAND DOWN MAH PANTS 121! !111 **(HOW IN THE NAME OF APERTURE SCIENCE DID YOU MAKE AN SIGN?)** "GET OF ME YOU PEDOFILE PERVERT!121!" tHE hOBBIT o-mouthed wen he realized I new I was awake so I taclked him to floor.

Ever one started cheerin an hootin cause they thot it was a in fligh wressling match sins u never no wat to expect in first class. **(I highly doubt that would happen. Also, pretty sure you're in economy class.)** We were rollin all round the isle nockin some pepole out of there seets an a baby started went to up to standin.

"Stop him!2" Jenny creamed **(WHAT!)** so the Hobbit went up an ripped her shirt off. **(WHY)** "OH WEMS" The stewards got distract by seein Jennys full milking teats exposaed becos they were lesbians **(I think they'd be a bit more professional.)** an so they didant help me fight the hobbit lie they opposed to.

It was no more Mr. Nice time so I jump kicked the Hobbit into the exite door. Then I probed the door open so he was sucked out into the sky but then the suckshun from the jet engine pulled him in an he was sucked in an lots of blood squirted out an went all over the windows. **(Wow. Holy *bleep* on a *bleep* sandwich. With a side of *bleep*... if you can guess what that was a reference to, you get a cookie.)**

Becos of all the blood no none on that side off the plane could see the landin so they had to get a refund. **(That is not qualification for a refund.) **Jenny got a new shirt to so pepole woodant stare an the stewardses got a pay deducshun for not helpin me fite the pedofile pervert hobbit. **(She didn't get fired? Why? She endangered the security of the passengers.)** We excited the plane an leaved to the front of the areport.

"Hey u there its yur ride!" Jenny grapbed my arm an turnsed me to see a limo with two guys one a guy a girl standin outside wif pick up sines sayin "Jenny Weesly an Wheatly." It was... ROBOT AN SORILAND LETTUCE!11!~!~!~!

"Rob bert an Rosalond Lettuce?" Jenny gaped. "Wot are u donin here wasnt yur drs back in British England.

The two lolled an said "No you most me are cousins they look alot like us." That made sins **(I'm convinced that wasn't a typo.)** so we went into inside the limo wile Robert gotted are bags.

"Sorry brother the trunk is brakened so yull have to follow." Rosiliand sayd from the driver seet. Robot got a UHH WTF? look onto his face but we speeded off with him still holdin the baggy luggage so he had to run afters us. **(It's a limo. There is most certainly room inside the car.)**

Me an Jenny lolled at the funny prank an Rosalad lolled too but didant REMBER THE FIRST RULE OF RODE and took of her eyes off the rode so the limo a old lady an fliped an flied into the air a spiralded an crashexd into a zoo. Ropbert o-mouthed an draped the luggage to run at the crash car. **(How did you mess up that bad.)**

Me an Jennuy used are magic sheeld powers to be un hurt but Rosilind was uncosious in the front seet. Robert Lettuce teared the door off (AN: WHEN PEPELS LOVED ONES ARE IN HURT THEY CAN GET SUPER STRENGHT SOME TIMES ITS TRUE I SAW IT ON DISCOVERY CHANNELS) **(It's called an adrenalin rush.)**. He pulled Roslined Lettuce form the reckage an she was blooding from the four head so he did RCP an she was okie dokie. **(Is that supposed to be CPR? That would help if she wasn't breathing. It wouldn't stop you if you were bleeding.)**

"She will be alls rite an learned an importrant lesson about the rules of rode" Robert Lettuece instructed to us. "But we must still get medikal attenshun an the limo is totalyed so you must go a lone."

Sudcdenly "HEY U BRAKED MY KOLA EXHIBIT WITH YUR CAR CRASH NOW THE KOLA HAS ESKAPED!1!1" A zookeeper screemed so we ran away fast.

After runnin an doggin obstacles we came to APortal High School. A old laddy with wite hair an dress said in a robot voice "Ah you most be the new exchange studants from British England! I am Prinsipal GLaDOS an YUR LATE!2" She was very meen. **(NO! NONONNONONONONONONO. NO. You CLEARLY said. CLEARLY that GLaDOS was only invented when Caroline nearly died.)**

TO BE CONTINUED!

WILL HARRY NOW WHEATLY AN JENNY MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESS WITH PRINCPAL GLaDOS? WERES SNAPE HIDIN? WHAT IS THE LETTUCE CONSPIRACY? HOW IS SKEPNESS MAN? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!


	20. Oh Dear God in Heaven WHY

**(Before I continue, I need to do something. If I'm going to suffer then I might as well get something out of it. In case you forgot, I have a tumblr. Check it out. The link is on my Profile but if your using a 3rd party mobile app like I use on my phone and can't see my profile, my username is lunammoon. The URL is lunammoon,tumblr,com. Just replace the commas with periods.**

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**Well, shameless promotion over with. Now back to your regular scheduled commentary.)**

Chapter 4: FIRST DAY OF CRASS **(I refuse to believe that was a typo.)**

HEY GUYS ITS TIME TO CELEBRATE THE NOO YEAR WITH A NEW CHAPPIE (WHICH IS ALSO A MOVIE COMMIN OUT THIS YEER SO ITS TOPICAL) OF

**HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!**

**CAHPTER FOURD**

FIRST DAY OF CRASS

"Welcome to Poretal High School **(Oh? You need to go to PORTAL high school? Oh, it's down the road. Make a left at Writing Skill middle school.)** Im yur Principal GLaDOS you your seinors right?" Princital GLaDOS asked she had a hole in her neck from where the smokin **(Why doesn't she have it covered? For that matter she should be in the hospital. Why is she at school?)**

"Yes Im Jenny Weesly" it said an I also said "My names Wheatly."

Pirancial GLaDOS scrootched up her noses at that all disgust like. "Wheatly? That sownds like a MORON name!"

That made me REAL MAD becos I assed my SATs **(Um...don't you mean O.W.L.S and N.E.W.T.S?) **an ever thing so I was NOT. "I AM NOT A MORMON **(I'm Catholic darn it.) **!11!3" I yelled soo loud.

"Whatev er I dont care." A girl lick was come up from inside the Portal High School to us. "Caroline my dotter **(Hun. In the previous thing, you said Caroline was GLaDOS. Use continuity.)** u will show them round the school an have all same classes becos Caroline is a advanace student evvven tho shes a junor." **(I. Don't think that's how it works.)**

"Hi" the gurl whoi was Carrotline waved with hand open. We waved two an it w2s happy meetin.

Principal GLaDOS frond at me an leaved to do administration. "Common guys class alsready started so iLL give you a tore of the buildin first before we have histry!"

Porta. High School was prettay cool with lots of cool studes in there classes we also saw the jim an cafetera an lots a halls with locks. **(So they were locked?)** A bell came that made the classes done so pepole started comin out an I got scarred theyd try to groopy me again but ever one just wented past me an Jenny an Clementine an then I rembered I was Wheatly **(I also began to question where Caroline had gone, and who this Clementine was.)** now so I breathed a si of relive.

But one gurl came an didant ignore us. "HEEEEY WATCH WERE YUR MOVIN LOWA CLASS! !" **(Someone has been watching too much reality TV.)** She snobbed rite thru us pushin Jenny so hard she fell an bumped her blump. "owch!" She cried but the girl just huffed her head an kept walkin so me an Carline helped Jenny op.

"How as that JERK?!" She umped. I was more mad to.

"Thats Bertha **(Bertha. The popular girl's name is Bertha? Um...shouldn't it be something like "Lexi" or "Sasha"?)** the Portal High Schools "Alfa B****" (AN: LOOK IT UP ON TV WORDS) **(Does she mean TV tropes? Because if so, this story is worse than I thought. Even TV Tropes couldn't help her writing skills.)** Carlikne explained with a sneer from her facer. "ANway its time for Histry class." We wente to class making meen looks at Bertha an her huge butt (it was like a Kim Kandishian or Nicky Manajy burtt but (LOL) they wasant invented yet so she was a trend setter but I didant care). **(Um...don't you mean born. If this is takes place in 1998, then they were born by then.)**

The Histry class was most full with others guys lick a solder guy, a doctor guy, a reel fat guy an also the teecher that said "Mr. Pusel" on his decks next to a apple.

"So u most be the new studes Wheatly an Jenny Wesley! I'm Mr. Purcell an I teech the histry also but I am a artsit so heers a speshal picture for you to" He gived of us a pic of me an Jenny with a dog an rabbit on the mmoon. **(Why?)** "U can sits next to Gabe Jonson an Medic." I sat down an sayd hi to both.

"

Hi Im Gabe Jonson that is my GF Carloine also watch out for my twin brothor CAVE Jonson hes evil and dose bad science I only do good science thuo." **(Huh. Well, it may be stupidity, but it's consistent stupidity.)**

Mr. Purcell heered Gabe talk an said, "Speaking a twins today weer going to learn bout the famous scintinists Ropert AND Rosaind Lettuce twins!" He put a slide show project an on this screen was... THE LETTUCE TWINS FORM THE AREPORT AN LIMO!11121223!~!

Jenny was curios and wanted the down-lo so she rassed her hand. "How are they?" She q'ed to MrPursel.

"They were famos scientise like George Washing Caver but with lettuce instead of peenuts but they also did insects so it wasant all good." **(I hate you author. I really do.)** We all notted at the wise words. **(Those words ain't wise.)** "They also did research on portals an things like that an made a portal mashine but it explode and fatally killed them a long time ago." Somethin fishy was goin on I new then. I wood keep a close eye out for more info.

Then Gabe Jonson standed up an prided "I like portals to an when I am a graduated I will invent portals an be FAMOUS!" Every one lolled at him becos that was silly.

"just look wat happen to the Lettuce Mr Jonson you dont want nothin to do with Portals" teachered Mr. Purcells.

"They went rong tryin a make a portal mashine. I will make a more better invenshun like... A PORTAL GUN!22!" He stand up on desk like a big triumf moment in a movie an Caroline was swoonin with hartfeflt becos she also loved sience an Medik too. **(Ok, I've been to a Private School most of my life, but even in a Public school, I don't think this stuff would fly.)**

Nothin else interestin hapened in Histry Class until lunch. "OH MY BLOODY SOD!111" Jenny screemed. "MY TUMMY HJURTS!111211!" She creamed clutchin her tummy.

"Whats rong with her?" Caroline shreeked with scare.

"OH DEER GOD SAVE THE QUEEN I NEEDS SUM FISH AN CHIPS OR TEA AN BISCUTS NO!W!121" Jenny ssceamed again. I understood.

"She hasant eaten any British food for too long an must replinish.

**(Arthur Kirkland: See. Someone likes my food!**

**Me: England, why are you here. This isn't Hetalia**

**Arthur Kirkland: My food isn't that bad!  
Me: I'm calling France  
Francis: Hon Hon, Angleterre you can't escape me  
Arthur Kirkland: Go away you stupid frog!**

**Me: Leave right now or I'm calling Russia  
Francis+Arthur: *RUNS***

**Me: Sorry about that. This story is ruining the fourth wall.)**

I will go get some!" I proclaminated so Mr. Purcell nodded okay so I went. "Ill hury my love!" I said an the solder made a angry face.

I went lookin for the cafeteria but I didant find it instate I endld up at the bike turntable outside. The bike area was real big sins lots of pepole codant afford cars becos of the Grate Depression **(Wait. So is this in 1998 or the 30's.)** (AN: It was like the Ressheson from 2008 but even more worse an in the past). **(Uhg. Why is she bringing the Great Depression into this? Well, I guess it could be worse. It's not like she's bringing in sex trafficking and bronies and combining them. That would be a new low. But even she's not that bad... right... why are you staring at me like that? No really what?)** There was a weird smell in the are so I got curios an looked behin the bikes.

Behind them was... A BUNCH OF DRUGGY JERKS!11 They was smokin pot an weed **(They are the same thing.)** an one even had a BUNG11! ! But even worst one guy said "I love drugs an beer so much!" an standed up an I saw he was a brony! He had a minature horse chained up to the bykes an it was spray painted to look like rainbow dahs an he raped it a lot **(She isn't.) **an the pony was cryin an the others guiys were so hi they didant care and lolled it was too much.

"YOU BUGGERS OF DRUGS ILL LEARN YOU!" I killed them good with an exploshun magic an the pony ran away cryin some more but this time in happy from been free. I went to leave but saw somethin stickin from the daed bronys body corpse it was a note with a add dress!1 **(Oh no.)**

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

Next chappie will deel with some SERIOS ISSUES I lerned bout of sex traffiking an bronys is there a connection **(What the... she...really did it. What... SHE. WHAT THE... Oh my gawd. Why would she? What is wrong with...um.)** I think maybe I saw sum RELAY GROSS STUFF on Top Robot bout them.

**(I'm just gonna sign off here. What is wrong with her? Um... as a pegasister, I just... I need some Pomegranate tea...Um, should I raise the rating after this chapter. Um. Message me. I...I don't know if this is still T.)**


	21. Snape has an affair with Bertha

WARNIN THIS CHAPT an the next one DEELS WITH SERIOS ISSUES THAT NEEED TO BE ADDURSED BOUT SEX TRAFFIKIN AN BRONYS IS THERE A CONNECTION I THINK MAYBE BECOS I SEED LOTS OF GROSE STUF AT THEM ON THE TOPPLE ROBOT SITE. **(Oh dear God.)**

**HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE**

**CHAPTER FLIVE: THE FIRST INCONTER**

takaed the strange not an read it to say "If u lick what u see com to the behine the school for sum pony fun! ;P" it was verry strange. **(So are you, you disgrace to humanity.)** So I pot in in my pucket for later. Next I went back to Jenny in the cafeter. I hope shes okay sins I codant find an7y British food for her ungrated tummy.

"Jenny are u okay?" I said into the cafeteria were Jenny was eatin some crumpets. "Huh howd it."

"Ohh hey Harry uh Wheatly my noo frend Solder found some brit food for me. That helmut guy from befor was standin next to her holdin sum more crumpits. He made a nasty smie at me an I angry faced.

The Bertha came out from the bathroom were she had bulimaed to stay hot (AN: BLUMIA IS A SUPER BAD THIN DONT DO IT) **(I hate you...so freaking much.)** I noo that becos I used magic to find out lick a detective power but magic. **(That's not how it works.)** "What are u lossers doin here?" She splamted as the "Alfalfa b*****" of Portal High School.

Solder standed up an said "Bertha thats not nice cant u see yur in the presents of a beauyful hot an pretty women?" He pointed to Jenny who bloodshed **(So, was she slaughtering people? And let you live?)** an I got more mad. "Common Jenny we gotta get to class any way."

Caroline waped **(She appeared right next to you?)** to us saying "Are next class is math the old teech got a nasty prostate condition **(pfft...hahaha)** an had to abandon his career so now we gotta new teacher from British." Jenny an me o-mouthed it must be Snape.

"Is his name Mr. Snape?" I asked to Carolne.

"No lol hes names Mr. Sanpe." She kicked open the class dore into math class. Jenny gaped an covered her mouth becos it was… SNAPE AS THE TEACHER! **(So, Snape as a Math teacher? You know, I think of him more as a Chemistry or maybe Home Etc.)**

"So these are the new studs?" Mr. Sanpe grumpled with him thinking. "Wate a min. You look familiar." He stared at me but I was Wheatly now so he didant get it but Jenny looked like Jenny still. "Oh well I have to task teach but Ill keep an eye on you." He sat back at the desk for drinking a beer. **(Why was he drinking in class? And why is he drinking beer instead of Fire Whiskey?)**

I sat down nexta Jenny Solder was also sittin next to her makin a sneermile (LIKE AN SMILE THAT'S ALSO ROOD) **(So, a smirk?)** at me so I gave of him da finger an he stopped. Snape didant even try to teach us. He just dranked beer an said "DO YUR ASSMENTS or Ill fail you."** (...I could see him doing that.)**

An he burped a belch.

I just sat fulminating at anger. Snape was rite there an I cold just kill him now but I rembered how Gobo Frabble said only Jenny wood make the final blow. **(Ok, beat the crap out of him, and then have Ginny do the last punch.)** So in stead I just did the math assigns till the bell branged. "Get out I have techer "grading" to do but u can stay Bertha winkwink!22" I o-mouthed at the reveel of Bertha bein in affair with Snape **(...I wish Snape could read this.)** so I was even more hated her.

Bertha bloshed an said "all rite Mr. Sanpe…" Then she saw me Jennyu an Carrotline still in there "GET LOOSE LOSSERS CANT U SEEM IM BISSY?" I made some thro up in my mouth an so did Jenny Caroline an we leaved out.

Suddently summon ran up to Carolslime with angry. "CAROLINE!11!22" She was very mad soundin. Carolin got scarred on her face an went wite. "OMG guys its my dad Busissness Lady (AN: SORRY I WAS RONG BISNESS MAN IS ACTUALLYA BISNESS LADY SO PRETEN IT WAS ALWAYS LIKE THAT). **(Huh. Well, at least you aren't misgendering.)**

"Caroltine I saw yur myspace (AN: THATS FASEBOOK FROM THE PAST BEFOUR FACEBOOK WAS INVENTED) **(No, it's more like what was popular before Facebook.)** an you were doin naked flashes on it! I didant rase u for that."

"IT WAS ONLY FOR GAVE NOT THE HOLE WERLD!22!" Caroine boombed back to her. Bissness Lady wasant moved tho. "You are GRONDED an have to cleen owt your moms neck hole wen it gets all mucosy form now on!" **(Why doesn't she have something in it.)** Caroline frond an cried some.

"Sorry guys I cant finiss the tore for you I gotta go clean The Hole." And Caroline an Bissness Lady leaved. Leavin us alone.

MEANWHILE SOME WHERE ELSE (IT'S A SEEKRIT STORY TWIUST SO U CANT NO YET)

"Im scare this is a more serios mission than I ever doned befour." Skepness Man said to the Lettuce twins becos he was nervos.

"Relax down Skepness Man" siad Rosaind Lettuce who was allokay now but with a hed bandage. "To be are apprentise yull have to don much more diffulct misshuns." **(No. You have him do EASY missions. So he doesn't botch the important ones up.)**

"Yay" agreeted Roberts. "Lick the time we had to kill JFK."

"OMGWTUF?!~!/!" Skepness Man **(Wait, Harry Potter happens in 1998, the JFK assassination happened in 1964, MySpace was made in 2003, and they say this is all happening during the great depression. WTF?)** o-mouthed with OMGing.

"Turns out he was actuallay GLaDOS is disguys gone back in tim to stop Marrissa Roberts form bein born." Roslalind said with explantion. Skepness Man nodded with head like a brave guy so they went.

Theyu went to a bandoned farm just ottside of Portal High School with a tatto man gardin it. He had both fat an mussel. "Cheery-o pip ip!" Greeted Rosaland in British, "it is are sons Birthday" she ponted to Skepness Man now in char as his undercover assign an not scared! "So we are gettin him a spesal present."

Fat an Mussel guy smiled pervy an said "Well common in my little brony" an Robot pot his hand on the Skepness Man sholder for encourage. "Go pike out a virile one son." So he went inside the inside of the bildin and the Lettuces leaved.

The horrer was all most toooooo muich for Skepness inside the place. Minature ponys were all chained up spray panted colors of MLP an neckbeard bronys were rapin them an had fedoras!11! **(This is so stupid.)** Skepness Man wanted to fite rite then an ther. But he new it wasant time yet. He had a MISSHUN FROM GOD (AN: LOL THATS A MOVIE QWOTE BUT IN REALITY ITS ACTUALLY REGULAR MISSHUN FROM THE LETTUCE)!~ **(I hate you.)**

**To be continued!**


	22. I apologize to Bronies

OKAY YALL ITS TIME TO GET BACK TO UPDATIN FOR SUMMERTIME TO IFINISH THE STORY BUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTT

FIRST HEERS A SHUTOT TO SUM REVIEWS

TEH AOOO REVIER (SURRY I FOGOT YUR NAME): THANKS FOR THE INFO JENNY IS NOW GINNY. **(Wow! Maybe she is trying to fix their writing.)** AS FO THE BRANIES I SEEN SOME REALLY BAD STUFF BOUT THEM ON TPLLESS ROBOT SITE AN I WATCHED A MOVE THAT THIS CHAP IS BASED ON BOUT SEX TRAFFICKIN AN THOT BOTH ISSSUES NEEDED TO BE ADD RESSED! **(Spoke to soon.)**

CADPEN GILLIAC: I NO YUR A FLAMER TROLL BUT U WAS RITE I MADE HARRY AN GINNY TO MEAN I WAS TRYIN TO SHOW HARRY WAS GETTING BIGH FOR HIS BRITCHERS FROM BEING THE BOY WHOS A LIFE SO HELL BE MORE BETTER IN THESE CHAPS BECOS THEY DEEL WITH MORE SERIOS ISSUES.

**HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!**

**Battle with the Bronies part 1**

It hjap been sereal days sins me an GINNY (correct spellin) arrived at Portal High School an we was keepin a close on on Snape waitin for the rite momentum to strike. I keeped thinkin bout the paper address I found of those bronies but the misshun was more impotent. **(...I don't see how killing someone you could kill at anytime is more important than stopping a bestiality sex trafficking ring.)**

"Hi Wheatly said Jenny (AN: She changed her name to Jenny becos it is proper American) **(No it isn't. "Ginny" is short for "Ginerva". "Jenny" is short for either Jennifer, or Virginia.)** comin by with Solder protruding form her arm. "I have to go to spaniel class bye Jenny" said Solder an he leaved.

I was very jealousy. "Yur spendin a lot of tyme with Solder."

"Yay its for good cover." She answer.

"Will u go… al the way?" I aksed with dred.

Jenny did a sad face "I must do any thing for the misshun."

"U B*&amp;&amp;&amp;** U PROMISED WED BE EACH OTHERS FIRST TIMES!1!" I screemed she was betray me so I got crazy an punched a looker.

"WELL I AM JUST TRYIN TO BRING SNAPE TO JUDGMENT ANY WAY I CAN!1!" **(Why would having sex with Solder help your chances in any way, shape, or form.)** Jeny creed an ran of into Solders warm embarase. **(I thought he walked away.)** I was made. Juts then Gabe Jonson an Caroloin.

"Wheatly we got a big a prob we fownd a pony" Gabe ponted to the Artroom class. "It is critikal!" Caroline. I ran in there like a speed an saw the pony was barely alive from the damaje. Medik was healin her up but it didant look good.

"Gabe an Carolint found her while to school" Medik explaned. I rembered the druggy jerks form before it musta been onnqa there victims! **(If only you had helped her...instead of screwing with Snape.)**

"We hane to get her out of here." I can help a guy said. "I have a armered van we can drive her in to safety." **(Why would you need an armed van? Wouldn't an ambulance be better?)** It was a good plan so I nodded with hed an the guy taked the pone.

Next I had math wich was with Mr. Sanpe so I wood get to plot his plans. SNAPE was drinkin beer and didant even care if we did worked. I new Gobo Fraggle sayd Jeny wood make the final kill but he was a drugjerk so mebbe I cood instead. **(Like I said before. You can beat him up. Just have Ginny make the final blow.)** I reeched into my backpak but to realize "OH NO I LEAVED MY WAND IN BRITISH ENGLAND!11" **(How did you forget that? How? Can't you Accio it? Or at the very least have Ginny do it.)** I screemed an ever one looked up an Snape HE WOOD FIGURE ME OUT. I thinked quick an said "That is British for sports bat" **(No one [but this author] is that stupid.)** so nobody cared by Snape was still suspicion.

"Well Mr Wheatly ho about u solved this problem" an he writed a huge math prob on the bored it wood take the hole class to solve! Now I didant have time to do a kill on Snape. **(Nope, if you skip the math problem, a simple "Avada Kadavra" will do.)** I wood have to be more careful but it was close. After the rest of teh classin I leaved quick befour Snape cud do a question on me.

"Hmmmmmm" throated Snape as I out the door. "Ill have to keep a more closer eye on this Wheatly chap." He britished.

Into the hall;ways I was headled for lunch where I saw a real fat kid named Heavy eatin his fav sandwich. Thats when I rembered the Robert Lettuce anhis no manayse q-sand and it all clacked together. Those Lettuces Mr. Pursel was teach about lived in the past, an in the past manayse wasant invented yet! **(Fun Fact: Mayonnaise was made in 1756.)** Thats why he didant eat Manayse…. He…. The one form the past!

Befour I could o-mouth in shockul discovery Gabe an Cartilage ranned in with scarred lookin faces (GOT IT RITE EAT IT FLAMMERS !). **(Not. Even. Close.)** "Wheatly that Pony we tried a save the truck was crashed an the pony ws stolen!222" I got so mad that those trollin STUPID drug jerks wood get away with it I had to do sumthin.

"Guys I rember I have a adderess that I think leeds to their home base. It's time to wank those buggerin sods." **(That sounds super wrong in that context.)** I said with lots of angry. Gabe an Caroline nodded "Were heer fo backup!"

"No guys its too dangeros I must go a lone **(If it's so dangerous, take someone for Backup.)** but sins yur bloody smart I needs to do a find out about the Lettuce twins." They went okay with there heads nodding so I went.

Outside das school was a new kid meetin with the Teen Fortress 2. "Bloody hell! Whose the soddin new wanker?" I britished at him with curios. He mite be a spy for snape.

"I am the Scot" he happied with say of his name.

"Well my names… WHEATLY!~!" I almost forgoat an to say Harry Potter but Im not until we get back to British England. I leaved Scout an headed down main street to Mulhullan Drive were the address was ritten to go to. The loachasun taked me to a house farm buildin garded by a strong tat man. I thot I saw the Lettuce twins was alos there but when I blinked they wasant so it musta been my imagines.

Without my magic attacks the tattoo man was gonna be a hard fight so I desided to be stealth and went behind him an grabbbed a nife to go into him in the secondary kidney to make him fall over with blood. Then he died. I sissor kicked the door open an saw The Evil Within (GAME LOL). STalls wit chained up ponys was ever were getting molestraped by bronies but I didant see the one we resowed I named Flyhoof. **(Sorry ponies, you're not Flyhoof, I'm just going to leave you to your fate worse than death.)**

Befour I cood do any thing a arm came out an groped me into a corner. "Shhh my name is Skepness Man. I am on yur side for the fight." **(Then why did you grope him?)**

"We gotta save them an wank these bollockin bronies an save Flyhoof" I desmanded but Skepness Man wasant listenin "I will help but there is more at work here yur in gabe danger Wheatly" He said with four shadowin.

"How do u no who am I?" Befour he cold anser a gurl stepped out draggin Flyhoof by the taley tale.

"TIHIS PONY IS A TRATOR AN TRY ESKAPE!" The gurl elled holdin up a magum pistol to Flyhoof's head. "THIS IS WAT WE DO THE TRATORS!11" Lights went on hi so all the ponies cold see what she was doin an I saw that the gurl was…. BERTHA!1!11121!~!

"NOOOOOOO!" I screemed but it was to late and the bullet exploded Flyhoofs head to pieces an the pieces died. **(Well, at least she isn't in this story anymore.)**

**TO BE CONTINUED**

THIS WAS A SHOKIN CLIFF HANGY RITE? DON'T WORRY NEXT TIME THEYLL BE MORE DISCOVERS AN MAYBE SUM FUNNY STUFF SINS THIS PART IS DARK AND SCARRY.


	23. Iowa: Where all the cool kids sit

**(Hello Moonies. No, that's not a good name for my fans either. I haven't updated...mainly because I didn't want to go back to this flaming turd. But however, she updated this and I was reminded of this existence. Oh Joy!)**

TIME FO THE EXITIN CONCLUED OF THIS 2 PART CHAPPIE (GREAT MOVING BTW11!) BUT DONT WARRY ITS NOT NO WERE NEER TEH END OF THE FULL STORY! **(OH NO)**

AN: A IMPORANT NOTE I DIDENT FIGURE OUT WERE TO PUT INTO STORY. SKEPNESS MAN IS CALLED HIMSELF SKEPNESS MAN LETTUCE (THE LETTUCE TWINS DIDANT ATOPT HIM THO THERE NOT BATMAN) **(WHAT. Did, did I miss something. Since when was batman here?)** SO IN CASE HE MEETS HIMSELF FORM ANODDER TIM THEY WONT GET CONFUSE.

**HARRY POPTTER AN THE KILL OF NSAPE**

**CAHPTER 7: BATTLE WITH THE BRONIES PART 2**

YOU SON OF A HOLE I WILL KILL U!~! !" I screamted at Bertha for her crims agains nature an goodstuff bu she ran off in a huff an didant notice me. **(She didn't notice you screaming at her...I find that hard to believe.)** A bronies loaded a bows into there arrows an shooted at me with archery.

Skepness Man had a jetpack an he took it an trusted it at a brownies face to shoot fires into his face and melted it. It was a good move. **(That...sounds awesome. At least it would if it wasn't so stupid.)**

The battal was on with fightin an the ponies was in couraged by are attacks so they revolted two with hoofin an hurtin on them. One brony trhoo a jar of terrible stuff (AN: NOT GUNNA SAY IT ITS TOOO MUCH JUST LOOK UP ON TOPPLES ROBERT) **(I searched that on Google, and all I got was a mildly attractive shirtless man.)** so I tried to magic a shield so it bust open onto the shield makin that realay gross so I stoped thes held. **(So, you held up a shield but because the projectile made it gross you LOWERED IT. WHY! WHY! WHY!)** Next the bronies stoped fightin an started lollin so me an Skepness Man just uhhhh-faced in confuse.

It was a trick!12 The rumbled to explode an a tank drove in! It was the bronys seekrit weapon. **(Where did they get a tank?)** The stank started firin an shootin army shells blowin up the walls but me an Skep didant have any gunz or magic strong enuff to get thru the strong hull. **(Oh really? What about "Bombarda" or "Reducto" or I don't know, "Stupefy".)** The freed ponies all got on there teeny legs an standed up to buck the tank up the sides real good. It was startin to break and splanter **(Oh, so magic and guns wouldn't work. Yet hooves of weak ponies do.)** so Skepness Man had a grenade that he throwed into a weak hole made of the ponys attack.

KABOOM WAMMA JAM BLAM!1!

The tank said as it blowed up destroyining the hole bildin an ever one in it (I used ano shield to safe me an Skepness Mon). **(Poor Ponies.)** Wen the explode cleared I saw Bertha getting away in her get away car so I grred in frustrate at the defeat. "We failed Skpeness Man" I cried.

Skepness Man just lolled an said "No Wheetly look I taked the evidence!" An he showed a camra with detail pics of Bertha runnin the brony site an even wen she killed Flyhoof! "With this we can put Bertha down for ever good." I happied that justice wood be done for Flyhoof an all those otters. **(The only death you can blame someone else for is Flyhoof. You took down the building and killed the rest.)** He gave me the camra an said "I have to go now" an used his jetpack to fly away.

Usin magic strength I took down some trees an furrowed them. With bildin I created a big grave marker for Flyhoof an all the dead btrony ponies. I also did a momentary silence becos NOT ALL BRONIES ARE BAD LICK TGHEESE (Thanks for lettin me no SupraMarioGurl its good taht not all of them are rapin ponies). **(So, someone actually had to TELL you they aren't a bunch of pony rapist. You idiot.)**

For the last tuch I taked Flyhoof's skull (there wasa big hole innit form Bertha's gun shoot) and put it atop of the grave with a flower crown. **(Why? Bury the head and put a flower crown on top of the grave.)** I looked up the sky an yelled to screaming "IT DIDANT HAVE TO BE THIS WAAAAAYYY!1!"

MEAN WHILE Gabe Jonson and Garoline were at the libery readin up on research of the Lettuce twins. "Read at this Gabe" Caroline said of a shockin discovery. "It said that Robert Lettuce is only a nickname that hes real name is Marrissa Roberts Lettuce."

"Marrissa Roberts?" Babe thot. "That sounds like a great name for a dotter!2!" He screamed getting ideas.

"Yah a good name a for GIRL dotter" **(As apposed to a Boy daughter.)** summon lolled Gabe and Carotlinew wiped there heads around to see hoo it was… ROSILIAN LETTUCE an Robort Lettuce was there two but wasant lollin becos he didn't like the joke.

After Roislund was done lollin they got serios an said" Gabe Johnson an Caroline (AN: DOSE ANY ONE NO WHAT CAROLNES LAST NAME IS I NEVER THOT BOUT IT) u are messin with things beyond yur comprehend so u need to stop." They said at the same time together all creepy so G &amp; C (Gabe an Caroline) wood get scarred an stop investigatin.

Gabe didn't like takin no for a answer so he went "And wat if he keep up the investigashun?" He smirked with cool an bad***.

"Then we will be foesed to use are powers." The Leuttecs teleportaled them into a dinosaur land an some Trexes almost eated them but then they teleportaled back to the libery. **(Why would they do that?)** "Next timer we wont be so quick." Gabe and Caroline were both v. scared so much they peed a little.

"Okay well keep it on the down lo." Caroline said but Gabe to do a objection! But Luetteces already leaved in a flash.

The next day at shool I didant see Jenny any were but with SOLDIER an they kept holdin hands so I gross faced at them with sticking out my thung. **(What is this, an excerpt from that book no one could decode?)** At mathful class I tried to keep a down lo attitude so not to be suspishus to Snape. The class endled an I headed to lawnch ready for my plan to put my plan into akshun.

Bertha was being the alfa b**** of Potal High School some more at the poplar table so went up an said "Hey Bertha u cheeky nando wats da down lo with ur plonkin bugger?" I britished to her. **(What? Can someone who is British tell me what Cheeky Nandos is to begin with, and does it make sense in this context?)** Bertha went upright with scowlin sneer.

"Hoo are u to British at me at the poplar table lowa class!" **(So the Iowa table is were all popular people are? Huh, you'd think it's be the New York one.)** She excreted with frustration. **(Well, sometimes, an angry poop is what you really need.)** "I dunno" I trolled manically "Howabout showin ever one THIS!" An I did a spell to make the wall a projector showin the intimate horse pictures of Bertha's depravatee (ever one thot it was just a computer projector an not magic). **(How?)** The hole room o-mouthed in shock an horrer at the tru evils of Bertha an some even throwed up with pukes.

"Noooo! Hes lying it a fake!" But Photo Shop wasant invented yet **(Photoshop was invented in 1988. This takes place in the mid, late 90's.) **so no one believed her. The other poplar kidz all got anry an said "Bertha u did a too far YUR NOT POPLAR EVER AGAIN!11! BEGGONE FORM OUR SITE!" Bertha ran off cryin an ran to a big tank of acid an climed it an jumped in a died. **(Why was there a tank of acid there?)** Everyone o-mouthed at her sewiside an Prinsipal GLaDOS was in screemin "WAT IS THE MEANIN OF THIS?!/1!?"

Portal High School was canceled for the rest of the day becos Bertha sewisided. Now that the bronies was dealed with an Snape had loosed his 'Big Bertha' **(Is that a euphemism for something?)** it was time to back on the tru misshun. It was time FOR THE KILL OF SNAPE!

**TO BE CONTINUED! 1**

Notes:

WILL WHEATLY KILL OF SNAPE?! WHATS JENNY DOIN? WILL THE LETTUCES PLAN BE REVEAL? A HUGE PLOT TWISTE IS COMIN NEXT TIME SO HOLD ONTO YUR PUPCERN GUYZS!


	24. Goat Amneesia not Obliviate

AN: GUYS THIS CHAPPA IS SOOO EXITING IT HAS A GOOD TWIST I CUDANT WATE TO USE BUT ITS NOT ALL SHOCKIN THE LUETTECE TWINS ARES ALSO HEERE AN HAVE A FUNNY FUN SUB PLOTE FOR THOSE WHO REMBER THE FITE WITH WULF FROM TEEN 4TRESS 2!

**HARRY PORTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE**

**CHATER ATE: SPANES REVENGANCE**

It was a copple days sins the bronies was defeeted an me an Jenny breaked up. **(Then how will Lily Luna, Jame Sirius and Albus Severus be born?)** I coldant get tio close to Snape or ells he might get more suspishus of my plotting to plan to kill. him. Also turns out that some of the ponies was escaped befour by sum good bronies just like in Madful Max (AN: SUCK A GOD MOVIE!121) **(Is he talking about Mad Max? I don't think that happened in it. I haven't seen it though.)** Juts then I herd sum runnin an saw Scout runnin from… A TON A NEKKID GURLS!1

"OH DEAR GOD SAVE THE QUEEN SCOUT THOSE BLOODY SODS ARE GUNNA WANKIN KILL YOU!" **(How?)**

The gurls almost did a tackle on him but Scout sooo bloudy fast they missed. I didant care about alls those naked gurls tho, my heart was already choosen for someon but I didant no who yet but a shock… It wasnt Jenny!111. **(Then who? Hermione? Luna?)**

More bad came on wen the footballas saw the naked gurls jigglin in the breeze an strated to rape them up!1 **(Some hoe, I doubt that?)** It was terribel. Those jerks had gotted a way with to much an Heavy was there shootin em big bullets to stops them. I wanted to help kills these b**(*** jerk f**** m******** b******s (TEHEY DONT DESERF ANY LESS HARSHER WERDS) so I went aganst my judement to not use my powers to much an shooted a magic into them makin there guts to liquifact an leek out of the eers und nose.

I felt sooo prowd stopping the rap with TF2 but didn't notise that… SNAPE WAS WATCHIN !21!1!

MEAN WHILE the Lettuce twins were up mischeef sum were else. It was a big tent dome with tons a creamin **(Oh My!)** fans an wresslers with powa. A bigly banner readed "ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPOWNSHIP" on it.

A announcer guy named was Gus Gribbles prouded onto mikeyphone "WELCAME LADDES AND GENITIALMEN FOR TH ULTIMATE FIGTHING CHAMPOINSHIP!11211!" Ever one was happy a proud. "ARE FIRST CONTEST IS MAX "THE CANNI-BULL" RICHARDS!1" All the cheers happened as a mussel guy wif a bull for a head got in da ring.

"WHO WILL CHALLENGE MY POWA!?/!" Mark "The Canna-Bull" Richards yelled with wild aminal fury. Ropert and Roisland got up to the on the stage. "WE challenge u!" It said. Max "The Canni-Bull" Richars did a bull nose of content.

"U PUNNY GINGERS ARE NO MATCH OF ME I WILL KILL U AN DEFECES UR CORPSES!1!" Robert got kinda scared but Roslilian said "Be strength brother we must do to win there trust."

"What is the menning of this?" Said Gus Gribbles unknowin of the Lettuce twins.

"We are a tag teem to challenge for the Ultimate" Robot prided an he an Rosolond ripped there close off to reveel they had masked wressler suits on!

Max "the Canni-bull" Richards lolled at the punny Lettuces they wood be a easy kill. **(This is STILL in a highschool.)**

"FIGHT ATTACK!1!" He said a got a chair an speered it into Robert's eyesballs to explode them an pin him down.

But Roesland got of behind him a had a bottle shankin shards to stabe in Max "the Canni-bull" Richards back!1 "YEEOOO" Then Rothbert got up his eyes alls heal! "UNPOSSIBLE THAT IT COOD BE!?"

"I got a power" Robot explained "a power of SIENCE!2 12!" An he punch strate into Max "The Canni-Bull" Richards man balls so hard then unverted into his pancreas causin a rupture. **(Ok, someone from the science side of tumblr, tell me if that is possible.)**

"AAAAAHHHHHAAHAHAHAHHA! ! !11" He screamed with a screamin scream! Max "The Canni-Bull" Richards trtied to foes his boys thingies back outerwards with contorts of gruntin but the Lettuce lolled an did a fist bump becos it was there plan. He kept tyryin but finallyh the pressure was too much an his propaplsed squirtin guts all out his buttum until his hole internal guts were outsid an he defleeted lick a baloon.

"ARE U NOT AMMUSED!/!/!?" Rosilind prided with her arms out wide to the crowd. But Gus Gribbles not sure if they got the chops.

"That was pretty good but can u fitedefeet… hem!?" Anotter wresslers jumped into the ring it was… SHREK!1133

"IM GONNA PUT U IN MAH SWAMP" He said lactating his fatt belly.

Robert sdid a witty comeback an jumped up of Rosarinds sholders for a move they called "the Lettuce Totem Poll." They sticked out arms (an Robert qalso his legs) and spindled around faster an faster lick a hurrocone so they( hit Shrek tons a times with one normal punch speed. **(Shrek is love, Shreck is life.)** Shreks teeth flood out of his mouth an stabbed some other wresslers in the dugout waitin for there turn in the fite.

Next Rosalinrosalind did a summer salt up of the air so Ropert leeped of her sholders an dive bombed into Shrek wile Russolini interned his fatting belly so hard the snpie snaped. "Oh s***" Shrek o-mouthed an fell.

The twines climed atop Shreks ungainly mass. Rsoalind took Robot's hand an helded them up in victory pose an the crowd keept yelling "LETTUCE TWINS! LETTUCE TWINS! LETTUCE TWINS!" **(Pointless fight seen is pointless.)**

"Alls rite, alls rite," Gus Gribblsed to the raunchy crowd to silense them. "U2 (a BAND lol) hav e won the Ulatimate Fighting Champowinship. What are yur demans?"

"Are demans are simple an essy" pronounced Rubert. "We need 2 of yur strongest fiters to for a comin battle gainst a "big bad wulf"" finised Rosolond with misitcyism. Gus crossifixed his man arms an notted at sum wresslers in the dugout.

"These are my strengthest they will be good" He pointed two the wresslers it was… HULK HOGAN AN STRONG BAD!11 (SEE NO U NO HOW IT TYES INTO TEEN FORTRDESS 2S ENDIN).

Back into the Portal High School, I was happy becos school was canceled for the rest of the day from the footballs doin raps on those naked gurls. Also becos the futeballs were ded. **(Somehow, I doubt that.)**

"Excuse me Mr. Wheetly" siad summon puttin there hand on me sholder. It was… SNAPE!1!

Befour I cood o-mouth or escape or magic or any thing he pulled me into the maths (In british they make math plooral for some resin) room!11 "I new there was sumthin fishy bout u!"

"U killed my 'big bertha' **(I still think that's a euphimism.)** with driven to sewiside AN YOU HAVE MAGIC YUR A WIZERD FORM HOGWARTS TO KILL ME AINT YOU?!/1/!" Snape screemed so lowd spit an stuff went all over from out of his mouth.

"OMG u no Im Harry Potter?!" **(See, this is why Harry need Hermione. To keep him from being an idiot.)** I aksed but Snape just o-mouthed with a dum face. "YUR HARRY POTER?!" Befour I cood dum face at my stupid move Snape grapped me by the neck an helded me up with chocking.

"This is prefect! Now I cans have revengance on Berthas killa AND Harry Pottter!1!" SNape lolled evily.

I just smiled with smartness. "LOL Snape u never learn u bloody wank of bugger. If u kill me a stude here it will allert the cops." But Snape had anotter trick inside his sleeves.

He pulled out his wand out off his pants "I can do different than kill u" an shooted his wand rite in me face an… I GOAT ANMEESHA!1! **(I could complain about him saying "Goat Anmeesha" instead of Obliviate but it's not worth it.)** Snaped droped me on my bum an ran away.

"OMG where soddin bloody um I? Wait one gittin second… who am I?!1" I o-mouthed unto remember how I was.

Principal GLaDOS herd the scream of o-mouthin an came inside. "Yur name is Wheatly an yur a MORON!11 Now go home Portal High School is canceled for the rest off the day u dumb*******" Sweared her with lots of angry so I got up an I leaved.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

Notes:

OH NO GUYS WHEATLY IS FULL WHEATLY NOW (SPECT FOR THE ROBO BALL PART BUT U NO WHEN THAT'S COMMON) WHATS HAPPENS NECKS? FIND OUT NEXTTIME!1!


	25. WHAT?

**(Hello I'm back. Unfortunately. Um well, let's dive in.)**

AN: THIS CHAPTRE IS A THE HOOGEST TWITST THAT I PLANNED ALL THE TIME SO GET REDDY.

**HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE**

**CHAPTER NINE: INTO THE TWIST**

Hi my name is Jenny Weesly an I was on a mission to kill SNAPE the baddest baddy **(So, he's even worse than Voldemort and Umbridge.)**. It had beens 3 weeklies **(Huh. Can someone who is British tell me what a "weeklie" is? Is it like a fortnight?)** sins the break up betwen me an Harry now Wheatly.

I cant belief he didn't see how import are mission was to be under cover. **(So, you dated behind your boyfriend's back for undercover. Without telling him. You know that you could've still dated Harry. OR AT LEAST TOLD HIM!)** Plus Solder was relay nice an treated me like a proper gal wile Harry was to much being big in his britches as the Boys Whos A Life.

Speakin a Wheatly hed been wanking strange late lee **(Ok either you have no idea what that means, or you know EXACTLY what that means. At this point, I think it's the latter.)** not talkin too me an bein real good on his under cover. I to the was tryin to wine me back but I wasant ever goin back to that soddy bugger. Sides now I had to focus on Snape ut today I was gonna to a magic spell to check up on Ron an Germany **(So, I think Ron's with Hermione, and Germany is most likely getting annoyed by Italy.)**.

"Soldier I have to do a period Ill be rite back hunney" I winky faced at Solder an to the bathroom with a excuse. **(Ok no. Unfortunately, literally no boys want to here about periods.) **Inside I made shore no one was there ekspet for me then did a magic spell on the mirror to make a portal **(Didn't you need a special kind of mirror to do that?)** (but a magic portal not a siense portal).

Ron an Hermion came. "Jenny its so god to see u an were the bugger is Harry blokin Potter?" **(Ah yes. That's how I greet my sister who I haven't seen in a while.)** Ron said.

"Harry got plasticine surgery an changed his name an looks to Wheatly plus I dont no hes been acting relay weerd. Hows it back in British England?"

"Oh God Savce the Queen u an HarryWheatly need a come back pronto!" Umped Hermlyone. "Things is soddin a git of wank sins **(Wank sins... did she just type wank sins. I..I need a drink.)** u leaved."

"Yes" Ron agred "Iggy an Huey **(Who's Iggy and Huey? Where they even introduced?)** rule the school now an Gobo Fraggle wont to any thing bout it he just drugs with his beer!111!" I got made at the druggy commens but Gobo Fraggle **(Did no one replace him yet?)** was das Headmanager an he gave me a big knife so I had to trust him. **(Ah yes, I always trust people who give me big knives.)**

"Dont pull a bugger guys Ill be back soon as Snap is killed." I leaved out the door closing the magic behines me.

Soldeir was rite out side lookin nervos. "Jenny… theres a seinor gradulation party comin up an I was wonderin… wood u lick to with me?" **(Wait I just realize something. Why is Ginny in the same class as Harry? Isn't she a year behind him?)** He bloodshed lookin reel cute an nervos so I lolled an said "Of corse Soldare yur such a sweaty pie."

Spane was in teachin math some more an I desided that after the porty I wood finally make him dead.

AN: THIS NEXT PPART IS FORM TEEN FORTRESS 2IN CASE U FORGOAT WHAT HAPPENED OR DIDANT RED IT SO JUST SKIP A HED TO THE GRADUATE PARTY IF U DID RED IT

MEENWHILE Cave Jonson hoo is Gabes more evil twin was walkin down the hall an see Wheatly. "Blimey you soddin look just lick Gabe buggerin Jonson but more mad an meen." He said an wave. Cave Jonson snipped fingers an a robot came out and took Wheatly. "Oh god save the queen what the bloody wank are you doin to me?" **(I read this sentence 5 times and I still don't understand what was said.)** Cave smelled evily an said "I need you for a siense project." An he lolled very evil.

NOW IN WHEATLYS POV OF VIEW

I woked up in a place where he soddin bloody hell was I? There was to robots one a blue ball an the other a orange line thing an Cave Jonson lookin reel mean. "Whats goin on you wankin Sod!" I britished at me with most lowd. Gave was loling all evil an said "These are Altas an P-Boy there from the future!" I o-mouthed it was bloody mad.

"They telled me bout the future wif robots an portal guns an things so Im goin a make some robos an you Wheatly will be my test subjekt!" **(Then the universe exploded due to a huge bootstrap paradox.)** He took out a wankin huge nettle an shoot me an I blacked oot. When I was sleep Cave gotted to work. First he removed my skelton eksept for my head **(HOW...WHY...HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD.)** so I was ball shaped, then turned my skin to mettle **WHAT **(lick how the wizards can turn led to gold in movies) **(You mean the philosophers tone?)** an taked an eye out so I only had one bloody big one but he kept my man balls. **(WHAT)** I waked up an screemed becos I was transfarmed.

"Goodbye Wheetly the dude an Hello Wheatly the Robo Ball!" Cave lolled with mad an mean. Then he ponted to a time mashine. "Now yur goin to the future b****!" Atlas lolled an he an P-Boy started smokin drugs with Cabe Joneson. I got put in the time mashine an there was a big lite flash an I was gon to the future.

THAT NITE AT T HE GRADUTE PARTY

Every one was there bein cool with happy stiles an wearin there best pants. **(Wow. Mood change.)** Bissness Lady an Printial GLaDOS were on a hot date so we had the hole party all to areselves. Sniper even brotted a striper he found named Loise Boombooms.

"I no that its opposed to be a all ages party" said Soldiar "bu sins the princes not here… any thin cold happn" I o-mouthed that tonite might be a night.

"SHAKE YA GROOV THANG SHAK YA GRORV THANG!1!" Da DJs singed with funky beats. Loise Boombooms was GETTING DOWN shakin her boombooms an makin all us girls jelos an all the boys need new pantaloons. **(Pantaloons are frilly underwear.)** I gross faced an went offer to get some puchn for a drink wile Soldier busted up the dance floor with his spesal dance move "the rocket pump"

Sudently…. a grabbed me an pullted me into the boshes an takeled me! It was… LOISE BOOMBOOMS AN SHE WAS SMOTHERIN ME WITH HER BOOMBOOMS!11 **(Is she trying to murder her with her breasts?)**

"I cant find Wheatly but I no yur his ex gf so Ill finaly get my revenegance for the kill of my sister… Bertha Boombooms! ! `11" I tried to breath but her boops were sooo big I coodant an was turnin into bloo. **(So, her boobs where turning you into boobs. HOW.)**

Loise Boombooms smiled with evil like the Joker or a slasser movie gurl so I triet to reech for a magic spell attack but i was hard from lack of breathin. She just keeped smiling more an more evil wile pressin h er boomboms harder into me face.

I had to do sumthin quick or I wood die fast befour getting to stop Snape. Juts then "I AM CAVE JONSON WHO IS GABE JONSONS MORE EVIL WITH!1" A guy yelled I thot oh no it musta been Gabes evil twine **(No. Really.)** he warned me of about. Loise got distarcted an mobed just enuff that I cood do a power spell an flipped her of me into tdare an she flew away in darkness. I climed out from of the boshes an saw… PRINCIPAL GLaDOS WAS BACK AN KILLED BY DOG THE BOUNTY HUNNER!21 Also Ratman's balls was exploded from a kick by Cave Jonson **(Wait...what?)** an Bissness Lady was cryin at her wifes kill an Carolin was alos sad an Gabe Jonson was just being so much angry at his dum brother ruinin the party.

"Jenny there u are" said Soldier with a helmut on like normal. "I was wonderin sins the party was ruined do u want to come over to my plays?" he asked with nervos.

I grinned with sixy at him "Shore thing!" An he o-mouthed an we ranned of.

After a night of mighty passion Soldier an I was nekkid into his bed. "I love u Jenny" He smited. I got gilty then becos I was under cober without letting him no my true ident.

"Solder… theres sumthin I need to tell u."

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

Notes:

I BET YUR SO EXITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER BECOS IT'S THE ONE WERE SNAPE IS FNALLY KILL BUT ITS NO WERE NEER THE END (SPOLER LERT)!1 HOW WILL IT GO DOWN. WHATS HAPPEN AT HOGGURTS? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!


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